It's Not Too Late, It's Never Too Late
by xStepOneIsYourHeartx
Summary: WARNING: This fanfic is very sadistic. If you are okay with triggering content, drug use and depressing themes, you can read. Short Stack/Shandy fanifc SLASH WARNING.
1. Chapter 1

I sped down the freeway in the pitch black night, the moon shining on my face as the tears cascaded their way down my cheeks. My best friend Shaun was in the back seat, dead, or dying at least. I don't even know what happened, I heard a bang and I ran outside to find him there, dying.  
I parked at the hospital and quickly got out and grabbed Shaun out, he was so heavy, but I managed to hold him in my arms. I raced into the emergency ward.  
"HELP!" I called for the nurse, I started to cry again as I began.  
"M-My friend Shaun Diviney, I-I don't know what happened. I just found him like this" I held back my sobs as much as I could.  
"oh dear. MARIE, GEORGE, HELP!" a doctor and another nurse came running over, taking him from my arms.  
"Go stay in the waiting room, we'll tell you when we're done" the nurse said, I just nodded and walked into the waiting room, sitting there, resting my face in my palms. I sniffed as more tears started to fall. He's my best friend and I was losing him, I've lost him enough as it is already, we hadn't spoken in months. He pushed me out, I pushed him out. Why did this have to happen to me? Sure, I'm all happy and stuff when I'm with my friends, but if I lost Shaun for good. I'd be miserable even around my friends. I'd miss him so much, that smile, that laugh, just him as a person.  
"Excuse me, does Mr. Diviney have any family members or a significant other? If so you should call them, it'd be best" the nurse said, I looked up at her. Shit, Brooke.  
"Y-Yeah, he does, I'll call them" I pulled my phone out as she nodded and walked away, I dialled Shaun's home phone and held the phone to my ear. No answer. I sighed, where the fuck is Brooke. I dialled Shaun's mums place and held my phone to my ear again.  
"Hello?" his brother, Luke, answered.  
"Hey Luke, i-is uh" I sniffed. "is your mum there?"  
"yeah, what happened Andy?" he started to sound worried.  
"nothing, just pass the phone to your mum"  
"alright" he said in an annoyed tone. "MUM!" he yelled, I heard them talking when suddenly.  
"Andy? What happened? You okay?"  
"Y-Yeah, it's Shaun…that's not" I said softly.  
"w-why? What happened to my baby boy?"  
"I-I heard a bang, I ran outside and I found him, d-…dying" I sniffed as a few tears escaped my eyes again.  
"O-Oh no, Shaun, is he-is he okay?"  
"No idea, I think I'll find out sooner or later"  
"I-I'll come down there I should be there in under 5 minutes"  
"Okay…a-and do you know where Brooke is?"  
"she's here with the dog and she's in the lounge, here, I'll give the phone to h-"  
"no, no, can you tell her? I'll see you soon, alright?"  
"alright, see you soon, bye"  
"bye" I hung up the phone and sighed. What happened to you Shaun?  
Shaun's mum came running in a few minutes later, Shaun's brothers and Brooke behind. I stood up, Shaun's mum hugged me tight, I smiled and hugged her back, I pulled away and looked at her, she looked so worried.  
"It'll be okay" I comforted her, she smiled at me and walked up to the front counter, probably asking about Shaun, Brooke ran up to me, she looked like a mess.  
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY BABY!? I LOVE HIM, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM YOU JERK!" She yelled, slapping my cheek, ow, ok.  
"E-Excuse me? I did nothing to him! I found him, dying Brooke and you know I wouldn't DARE touch him"  
"kay" she sat down in the waiting room, I sat next to her and sighed.  
"Brooke, I don't know what I did to make you hate me so much, but whatever it is, I'm sorry"  
"whatever Andy, you shouldn't even be relevant" she grabbed a magazine from the table next to her, flipping through it. I didn't want to reply to that. Why was she such a bitch? I looked over at Shaun's brothers, they were just playing on their iPhones, I looked up at the TV, not even watching it, my mind was worrying about Shaun, this wasn't fair, what so ever.  
The doctor walked in, his face was blank, oh no. I stood up, my heart was in a knot, waiting for him to speak.  
"He's okay, just resting, you can go in and see him soon, he hit his head so that's why he was so out when you found him, the shot wound isn't bad at all"  
"thank fuck" I sighed in relief, my heart beating normally again.  
"thank god, my baby" Brooke said, slightly more happy.  
"my boys okay!" Shaun's mum said in delight, I half smiled, my best friends alive.  
We all walked into Shaun's hospital room.  
"BABY!" Brooke yelled, running to him and hugging him.  
"ow...h-hey baby" he kissed her cheek softly.  
"who did this to you?" Liam asked.  
"I-…Just some dude, I think he was some drug addicted bastard or something" Shaun said, patting Brooke's hair slowly. I felt so out of place here.  
"all that matters in that you're good now" his mum said, I looked around awkwardly, I felt kind of claustrophobic. I made my way out the door.  
"Andy! wait" Shaun began, I bit my lip and turned around.  
"come on, let's give these two some alone time" Shaun's mum said, they all walked out, Brooke gave me a bitch stare, why is she always a bitch to me but nice to everyone else? I walked back in slowly and closed the door.  
"Andy…thank you"  
"you're welcome" I said softly, walking to his bed side, he grabbed my hand, I looked at our hands.  
"no seriously, I could be dead right now, thank you Andy" he said, I looked into his eyes quickly then looked down again.  
"grab a chair…" he said, I grabbed the chair in the room and sat in it, our hands still held together.  
"I want to apologise for pushing you away the way I did and I hope you can come over in a couple days and you know, catch up?"  
"sure…as long as Brooke's not there, since she hates my guts"  
"yeah, Brooke's a funny bunny" he laughed and bit his lip.  
"I guess so" I laughed, we heard a knock on the door, Brooke poked her head in seconds later, Shaun let go of my hand and itched his head.  
"H-Hey baby" he smiled  
"Hey" she smiled then looked at me flatly, I got off the chair and she sat down on it, grabbing Shaun's hand.  
"I'm so happy you're alive" she started.  
"yeah…so am I…" he said, I don't wanna be here, I started to walk out the door.  
"Andy wait!"  
"I'll see you in a couple days Shaun! Bye!" I walked out and back to my car, making my way back home.


	2. Chapter 2

I walked up to Shaun's door and knocked, biting my lip. I hope Brooke isn't here, she'll be all over him otherwise. Shaun opened the door and looked at me.  
"Hey…"  
"hey" I said casually, walking inside.  
"um, did you wanna chill in the lounge or do something else?"  
"chilling sounds good"  
"awesome" he smiled and walked up the stairs that led to his lounge room, I followed, his place was so beautiful, the backyard is so nice. Lucky Brooke.  
"Is Brooke home?"  
"no, she's out shopping, she'll be a while no doubt"  
"alright, so…" I awkwardly said, sitting on the couch, he sat next to me, he looks so confused, just as much as I am.  
"I just wanted to start off by saying I'm sorry for pushing you away"  
"It's fine…what I don't understand is how 3 months after I told you, you decided to block me out of your life"  
"How was I supposed to feel knowing my best friend has been in love with me since high school?" I looked down and ran my hand through my hair, resting my elbow on the couch. He continued "I was so confused and Brooke knew about your feelings for me-"  
"wait, h-how does she know? You didn't tell her, did you?"  
"No! She somehow knew before I did, she had always said it before you even told me, I thought she was kidding…I feel so bad though, I make her so happy but she doesn't make me happy, not anymore…"  
"because of me…" I said, looking down again, I can't look in those eyes. They remind me of what I can't have.  
"Andy, look at me"  
I slowly looked up into those eyes, those blue and green eyes always struck a beat of my heart.  
"T-Then why are you unhappy with her?" I asked  
"because I-…I-I'm in love…with you"  
I felt my heart stop, I couldn't even speak, was what I heard correct? Did Shaun just admit his love for me? I was tumbling over my words, I couldn't speak, why would he love me? He started to look like he made the biggest mistake, I was in shock. My words were just overlapping themselves in my mind. How is this possible? I must be dreaming  
"Andy?" Shaun said concerned. I swallowed the lump in my throat and slowly spoke.  
"I love you too, Shaun…"  
"r-really? Even after me treating you like a total dick?"  
"my feelings don't fade that fast" I laughed, he smiled.  
"Can I do something?" he asked, biting his lip, I nodded. He grabbed my back, I started to breathe deeply, He pushed me down softly and leaned in, butterflies were storming around my stomach, I closed my eyes and opened my lips a fraction, where his should perfectly fit, I inhaled his hot breath which overwhelmed me, I breathed deeply once more as his soft lips touched mine, my heart was pounding out of my chest, I wrapped my arms around his neck as our lips kissed soft and slow, Shaun ran his fingers up my side and rested his hand over my pounding heart, I exhaled as he kissed down to my neck, sucking on the nerve that sent a pulse the my body. I bit my lip to contain my moan as he made out with my neck, his tongue running over that spot over and over was such a pleasure, I wrapped my leg around his waist and started to lower him down on me, as his crotch touched mine the front door opened, Shaun got off me immediately and turned on the xbox, giving me a controller. It can't be Brooke.  
"just play" he said, sitting next to me, playing on his phone.  
"a-alright" I looked at the screen as Skyrim popped up, I've never played it before, well, I bought it, but my stupid brother stole it. I heard footsteps come up the stairs. I instantly had a nervous guilt feeling in my stomach. I was so going to hell for this.  
"Shaun, didn't you hear me come home? You should've come help me with the shop- Oh Andy" she said as she got to the top of the stairs.  
"Hey" I waved, smiling slightly.  
"I'm sorry baby" Shaun said.  
"hey…" she said awkwardly "And it's okay Shaun, I understand" she smiled and placed the groceries on her bench.  
"ooh, Andy, who's the lucky girl?"  
"h-huh?" I said, blushing only the slightest.  
"You have a nice hickey on your neck" she laughed, putting the shopping away. SHAUN! I blushed and put my hand over the mark he had put on my neck.  
"Oh yeah, hooked up with a chick last night, she was so darn hot and her kisses were so amazing" I bragged, I saw Shaun smirk the slightest.  
"ha…anyway, Shauny, where's my hello kiss?" annnd, this is where I say goodbye, Shaun got up and went over to her, placing his hands on her hips. We really need to talk about this.  
"sorry beautiful" he kissed her lips softly, yep. I'm out of here.  
"I-I gotta go guys, call me tonight Shaun, so we can talk about our next meeting" I smiled and got up, making my way to the stairs. He looked at me sadly.  
"alright…bye" he said  
"bye Andy!"  
"bye!" I went down the stairs and walked out, almost slamming the door. I feel like the worst person in the world. But I am so in love.

I got home and heard my phone ring moments later, I sighed and picked it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey, it's me" I smiled at the sound of Shaun's voice.  
"Hey…"  
"do you mind if I come over right now?"  
"right now? Why?"  
"Because I know we need to properly talk about this…and I don't want Brooke eavesdropping" he grew into a whisper.  
"oh…right, I'll see you soon then?"  
"yeah, be there soon"  
"alright, bye"  
"bye" he hung up, I sighed and put my phone down, making sure I looked decent in the mirror than went and sat on the couch, watching the TV, it was literally pouring outside. I hope Shaun doesn't catch a cold or anything. I suddenly heard a knock at the door, I got up and quickly opened it, Shaun wrapped his arms around me, he was so cold and wet, I hugged him tight.  
"Hey stranger, did you walk here?" I joked  
"from Shannon's, he only lives a couple blocks down and I told Brooke I'd be there"  
"wait, then, what if Shannon wonders why your car is there?"  
"he's at a ski trip, remember?"  
"oh, right" I let go of the hug and closed the door, walking to the couch, he came and sat next to me.  
"Shaun…" He looked at me "If you don't love her, could you just…dump her and…be with me?"  
"I can't…I'd ruin the new found friendship with my dad, I'd lose my house, my dog, I'd lose so much" He said, I looked down.  
"Andy, baby…look at me" he grabbed my face, turning it to face him. Did he just call me baby? I think my heart just skipped a beat.  
"What if we get caught…?" I asked, sighing.  
"I promise we won't"  
"how are you so sure though?" I asked, placing my hands on his knees, his jeans still damp.  
"just, trust me"  
"I-I trust you"  
He leaned in and kissed me softly, I sighed into the kiss and kissed him back. I hope to god we don't get caught.


	3. Chapter 3

Two weeks of this, two weeks of the same guilt, two weeks of wishing to be with someone forever, but watching them pretend to love someone else just doesn't seem fair, does it?  
I approached Shaun's door and knocked, swallowing the lump I had in my throat and took a deep breathe. Brooke opened the door with her dog Honey in her arm, shit.  
"O-Oh, Andy"  
"Hey Brooke, Shaun home?"  
"yeah, follow me" She smiled and walked up the stairs, I walked in and closed the door, walking up the stairs and feeling butterflies in my stomach as I saw Shaun playing on his DS.  
"baby, Andy's here." She said, putting Honey down, I bit my lip to hide the large smile I had when he looked at me, smiling the cutest, goofiest grin. I smiled and sat on the arm of the chair, he was playing Pokémon, we loved that as a kid, it's amazing how into it he still is.  
"this is so annoying, but I love it so much" he said, focussed on the game.  
"you'll get it" I patted his back and went to his fridge, grabbing out a beer and opening it, having a few gulps. Brooke walked out seconds later with her handbag.  
"bub, I have to go to mums for an hour or two"  
"mmk" Shaun said, focussing on his DS still. I snickered under my breath and took another sip.  
"can I get a goodbye kiss?" she walked over to him, I looked down as they kissed.  
"I love you" she said  
"love you too" he said, I looked up.  
"Bye…bye Andy"  
"Bye!" me and Shaun both said, she made her way downstairs. Me and Shaun both stayed still as we waited the door to close. Once it closed I made my way into the lounge, Shaun got up and run over to me, putting his hands on my waist and leaned in, I put my fingers over his lips, smirking.  
"I don't think so, not with her lips on you" I said, he smirked and wiped his lips.  
"Sorry beautiful" he leaned in, I wrapped my arms around his neck as our lips touched, we kissed slow but tender, Shaun walked forward, I stumbled backwards, we bumped into the wall and started laughing. We looked in each other's eyes then began to kiss again, Shaun slid his tongue along my bottom lip slowly, I hitched my breath as I let him enter, our tongues battled slowly, making me exhale. He slid his hands to below my ass, trying to pull me up; I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his hips, our lips still touching. We broke the kiss as Shaun started to walk to his room. I looked in his eyes as he looked back in mine, kicking the door closed. Shaun laid me down on the bed, he got on top of me and kissed me again. Before we knew it we were making out again, his tongue battled so slow but intimate with mine, the amount of butterflies I had in my stomach made me nervous, I ran my fingers through his hair, I felt something jump on the bed and pant in my ear, I pulled away straight away and looked next to me to find cute little Honey wagging her tail.  
"Honey, shoo! Go away!" Shaun frowned, I giggled. He pouted at me. I put my hand on his cheek.  
"Aw baby" I pouted then kissed him softly, Honey barked. And fuck, Chihuahua's have the most hi-pitched bark. Shaun grabbed Honey and walked out. I bit my lip and sat up, Shaun walked in moments later, closing the door.  
"now, where were we" he smirked and grabbed my legs and pulled me down, I squealed and laughed as he pulled me back into my lying down position. He got on top of me and stroked my hair.  
"I love you, so fucking much" I smiled up at him as he looked at me like I was the world, no one has ever looked at me like that before.  
"I love you too…" He smiled and leaned in again, I wrapped my arms around his neck as we kissed again, our tongues battling within seconds, I ran my hands down his sides and up his shirt, gripping onto his back as he kissed down to neck, I tilted my head to the side and bit my lip to contain my moan as he sucked on that nerve again, rubbing it with his tongue, I ran my fingers down Shaun's back as he sat up and took his shirt off, throwing it on the floor, then pulling my shirt off, I leant up and helped him take it off, he threw it on the floor and ran his fingers down my chest, kissing my neck again, I bit my lip and felt suddenly nervous in my stomach as he ran his fingers down to my pants, unzipping them. I followed not long after, running my fingers to his pants, undoing his belt and unzipping his pants, he pulled away and looked down at me, smirking as I slid his pants down, his cheeks going a light shade of pink. I looked down and felt nervous again. I've seen Shaun's dick before, but I don't remember it being this big.  
Shaun pulled his own pants off and put them on the floor, I bit my lip as he pulled my shoes off, then sliding down my own pants, I wriggled out of them to help Shaun as he put them on the floor. Shaun got back on top of me, both our erections apparent through our nudity. I was so nervous, but so ready for this moment.  
"You're so beautiful" Shaun smiled, kissing me softly, I smiled under the kiss and put my hands on his cheeks as we kissed soft and slow, he reached over and broke the kiss, he held a condom in his hand. My stomach full of butterflies and nervousness, he ripped it open and stuffed the wrapper under the pillow, sliding the condom on his length, he seemed just as nervous as me.  
"You ready?" he asked, I bit my lip and nodded, Shaun kissed my chest softly as I felt it, I bit my lip and closed my eyes to hide my scream, it hurt so much, but it felt so good. I moaned softly as he started to thrust slowly, I grabbed onto his back and whimpered as he got faster, I looked up to see him breathing deeply on top of me, reading my expression, I smiled at him, taking a deep breath as I tilted my head back. He lifted me up slightly, holding me close to him, I wrapped my arms around his neck, he started to thrust up into me harder and faster than a couple minutes ago.  
"FUCK!" I cried out as he hit the spot, moaning loudly as our bodies started to sweat on top of each other. It felt so good, I felt so close, but I didn't want to stop.  
"Shaun" I moaned, pushing him down and started to rock back and forth, riding him, he moaned and but his hands on my ass.  
"oh god Andy…"  
"I-I fucking love you Shaun" I groaned as my stomach got itself in a pleasurable knot, tilting my head back, my breathing quickening. Shaun pushed me down, I looked up at him, he looked down at me and smirked, his breathing also quickening as he thrusted faster, making me scream in pleasure and grab onto the covers.  
"oh Shaun…I'm so close" I moaned loudly  
"S-Same" he smashed his lips to mine, we kissed passionately, he pulled his lips away from mine and started to whimper softly, he pushed deeper, I cried out and grabbed onto his back.  
"f-fuck Andy…" he orgasmed softly in my ear, it was such a turn on, I felt myself start to sweat and my pleasurable knot suddenly started to break.  
"Fuck, Shaun! Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh god yes!" I cried out as I came, a shock ran through me, I bit my lip and moaned as he thrusted more jaggedly, pulling out.  
"oh god…"  
"I-I know" I smiled, putting my hand on his cheek, we both breathed deeply and looked into each other's eyes.  
"I love you so much Andy" he breathed.  
"I love you too Shaun, with all I got…" we smiled at each other and kissed softly on the lips. Shaun looked over to the clock on his bedside table.  
"What time did Brooke leave?"  
"W-Well I got here around 4 and she left around 10 past maybe?"  
"she's going to be home any minute! Shit!" Shaun got off me and grabbed his clothes, going off to the bathroom, I sighed and returned to my old dull self, I wanted him all to myself, I don't feel good sharing him around. Shaun came out a few minutes later with a towel, throwing it at me.  
"here, clean-up" He ran around the room making sure there was no evidence, I cleaned myself up and put all my clothes back on, Shaun sprayed the room with his deodorant and made sure his hair was okay, I sighed and walked out of the room. I don't want to be here if she's here. I felt Shaun grab my hand.  
"baby wait" he said, I turned to him.  
"what?"  
"Why are you leaving? Something AMAZING just happened, one of the best things that have ever happened to me" he put his other hand on my cheek, I bit my lip.  
"I know, and I loved every moment of it Shaun, I just don't want to be here when she is, to see her all over you, it kills me…"  
"we never said this would be easy"  
"I know Shaun, I know…I-….I better go" I leaned up and kissed his lips softly.  
"I love you" I said, looking him right in the eyes.  
"I love you too…" he said softly, I pulled away from his embrace slowly, releasing our hands.  
"Bye…" I looked at him, he seemed sad again.  
"bye" he half smiled, I smiled back at him then made my way downstairs and out the door, making my way back home.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey bub, can we play skyrim?" I asked, we were playing Need For Speed on Shaun's Xbox 360 in his room, I sucked at racing, especially against Shaun.  
"Why? I find this pretty fun"  
"yeah, only because you're winning" I looked at him and laughed, looking back at the screen, bashing into Shaun's car.  
"HEEEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR!"  
"ha ha, suck my dick" I said teasingly.  
"If I win, you have to suck my dick" He smirked.  
"Hey, vice verser buddy" We laughed and focused on the game. I heard Shaun sigh, I looked at him.  
"Shaun? You okay?"  
"I think it's about time I told you something" He pressed pause, I put the controller down and looked at him.  
"c'mere" he patted the pillow next to him, I sat right beside him, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and played with my hair softly, I looked at him worriedly.  
"Shaun, what's wrong baby?" I asked, putting my hand on his chest.  
"That night when you found me dying…I wasn't shot…well, I wasn't shot by anyone" I looked at him slightly confused, I swear I heard a bang, he wouldn't do it to himself, he just wouldn't.  
"W-What are you trying to say?" I asked, Shaun looked down and ran his fingers through his curly dark brown hair.  
"I-I tried to commit suicide, Andy" He looked at me, my heart wrenched, my gut felt dead, why. He's too beautiful. My eyes started to well up, I looked down.  
"Why would you do that to yourself, you matter to me..." I mumbled, he lifted my face up by my chin and looked in my eyes.  
"I didn't want to live in a world where my dad kept picking on me, my best friend wasn't in my life and just, people suck, in general. I couldn't deal with it. Brooke and I had a little fight before it happened, she called me names like 'bastard' 'lame' 'you're turning into your old emo self' and shit like that, I felt like I was in high school again, it was just shitfull" he said, I bit my lip.  
"She really is a bitch…and I know how you were like in high school, I was exactly the same. But we stood together, and we will continue to do so, forever" I grabbed his hand and linked our finger, smiling at him.  
"I love you so much" Shaun leaned in and kissed me softly, I smiled and kissed him back, we kissed slowly, he laid me down as I wrapped my arms around his neck, I ran my fingers through my hair as his hand slid up my thigh. I exhaled.  
"Hey Shaun baby I- What the fuck!?" Brooke yelled, SHIT! Shaun got off me, I sat up, my heart was pounding fast, shit, shit, shit. Shaun looked at Brooke, his breathing was heavy. Brooke had a tear rolling down her face, she turned away and walked back down the hall.  
"Brooke wait!" Shaun got off the bed, I grabbed his hand.  
"S-Shaun" I said slightly concerned.  
"Stay here" He looked at me then walked out of the room, slamming the door. I huddled my knees to my chest. What have I done? All I could hear was their voices screaming at each other, she called me a whore at least three times. I hit my head on my knees over and over. I felt like a whore, I knew this would happen. I heard a loud bang, not a gunshot though, more of a slap.  
"FUCK YOU!" Brooke screamed, oh no, Shaun. I got up and ran out the door to Shaun, he was trembling only the slightest, his hand on his cheek and his eyes glimmering with tears.  
"and YOU! You fucking dumb honey blonde faggot whore!" Brooke ran to me and slapped me, more powerful than the time she hit me in the hospital. I just stared at her, she doesn't know how much guilt I felt and that I even felt like a whore.  
"H-Hey! Leave him alone!" Shaun said to her angrily, putting his arm in front of me and stepping forward.  
"S-So you really love him huh?" Brooke asked, Shaun stood silent.  
"DO YOU?" Brooke screamed, pushing Shaun, he fell back slightly, I put my hand on his back, rubbing it to calm him.  
"Y-Yes, matter of fact, I am in love with him Brooke."  
"…You only stayed with me so your life wouldn't get fucked up again…I knew there was something curious going on when you would barely kiss me, touch me or love me like you used too…well guess what? I'm fucking done with your bullshit, I want you gone. NOW! Go get your fucking bags and pack them up! FUCK YOU!"  
Shaun swallowed hard and walked down to his room, I went after him, closing the bedroom door. Shaun grabbed his suitcases and started shoving his things in them. He sniffed as he pushed his clothes in. I put my hand on his back and kissed his cheek softly.  
"I-I love you" I whispered, putting my head on his shoulder.  
"I-I fucking hate everything about my life" Shaun cried softly. Oh wow. Thanks. I looked at him.  
"I-It'll be alright…I promise"  
"thanks…I love you" he kissed me softly, I kissed him back and pulled away.  
"I don't think I should be here…I'll be waiting in the car." I said, walking away from him.  
"Alright" he looked at me and continued stuffing things in the suitcases. I smiled sightly, sympathetically of course and made my way down the hall and saw Brooke on the couch crying into her hands. I feel like such a dick. I walked out the door and got in my car, waiting for Shaun.  
Shaun came running out with two suitcases and his guitar, Brooke screamed some profanity at him and slammed the door, Shaun went to the car and opened the boot, shoving the suitcases in as well as his guitar, slamming it and running to the passenger's side, getting in the car.  
"I promise it'll be okay baby" I grabbed his hand, he looked at me, smiling slightly. I wanted him to smile a proper smile, that beautiful smile that got my stomach in a twist. I smiled back and kissed his head, starting the car and making my way back home.


	5. Chapter 5

I grabbed a glass from my cupboard, placed it on the bench then grabbed the Coke from the fridge, filling up my glass, Shaun came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my neck softly.  
"Hey stranger" I smiled, turning around.  
"Hey" He smiled, kissing me softly, I kissed him back and smiled, then had a sip of my Coke.  
"Ready to watch the movie?" he asked  
"Yeah, what movie did you pick?"  
"I thought we'd go with some good ol' Batman"  
"You really love that movie don't you?"  
"no, you know what my favourite movie is"  
"I know it's Nightmare Before Christmas but recently all you've wanted to watch is Batman"  
"it's a craving man, it's literally calling out to me" he said, acting dramatic. I laughed.  
"oh god, come on." I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the lounge, sitting on the couch with him as he pressed play on the remote. I had a sip of my Coke and put it down then snuggling into Shaun's side as we watched the movie.  
After it finished we migrated to the bedroom, ready for bed. I got naked and got in my side, Shaun took his clothes off and got under the covers with me.  
"woah, no pyjamas for Shaun tonight?" I giggled as he snuggled into me.  
"nope, I can't be fucked" he laughed. I smiled and kissed him quickly.  
"I love you" I smiled  
"I love you too" he smiled then yawned, my baby was so tired. I turned over and turned the lamp off, closing my eyes.  
"night, night Andy" Shaun said softly, kissing my back and snuggling into me, grabbing me into the spooning position. I smiled, he make me so happy.  
"goodnight Shaun"  
Before I knew it, we were both sound asleep.

I woke up and looked next to be to find Shaun not there, I got out of bed and put some tack pants on, walking down to the kitchen, I think Shaun's in the bathroom. I heard a bang at the door as I walked passed it, making me jump. I breathed deeply and slowly walked to the door, opening it. It was Shaun's dad.  
"look here kid, you got think you're fucking nuts for turning my son gay" he grabbed my neck, I choked slightly as he threw me on the floor, walking in and closing the door behind him.  
"W-What are you talking about? I never MADE him go gay, he's in love with me and I love him-" He grabbed me by the neck and pulled me up, slamming me into the wall, he pushed hard on my neck, I gulped and breathed heavily. He punched me in the eye. I felt instant pain.  
"Who could love a faggot face like you? that ugly blonde shaggy hair, your scrawny body, you're a skinny cunt, maybe because you like to vomit everything you eat. I wanna see if there's anything in there" He punched my stomach hard, making me cough, the pain hurt so bad. Why did he have to bring up my past. When I was always picked on and called fat, even though I wasn't. I ended up developing Bulimia, which didn't help my growth spurt. So I'm shorter than most men.  
"Oh look, you must have done it earlier this morning"  
"J-Just let me go, please" I choked.  
"No, don't think so. I need to kill you, you're the child of Satan, no wonder why your parents are dead" he threw me on the floor again, I groaned. He's such a homophobic cunt, and he had to bring up my dead parents.  
"Look, f-fucking judge all you like, but me and Shaun are in love!" I cried, he kicked my balls, I groaned and rolled on the side, covering my crotch. He kicked my stomach, over and over, the pain was unbearable, I was shaking and crying. I've never been able to defend myself, I've been bashed since I was a kid. He rolled me over and got on top of me, choking my neck again with his hands, he was pushing on my throat with his thumbs, I felt my breathing get weaker and weaker, my neck felt tighter and tighter, I felt light headed, I wheezed and grabbed his hands, trying to push him off but I was so weak. He lifted his fist up in the air, I shook my head and felt tears escape the corners of my eye. Please, no. He went full force. I closed my eyes tight. This could end it all, it would knock me out, forever.  
"D-DAD!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?" I opened my eyes to see Shaun, pushing him off me, I laid on my knees and had a coughing fit, my breathing was still uneasy.  
"You're fucking the devil, you realize that!? He's just trying to bring you down to hell with him."  
"Dad…I-I'm in love with Andy…there's nothing wrong with being gay!"  
"you're a fucking disgrace to this family" he pointed at Shaun's face, Shaun's breathing was Shaky, I felt a sharp kick in my back, making me cry out in pain again. The door slammed, he was gone. Shaun got down beside me and pulled me into his arms, I groaned.  
"I-I'm so, so sorry Andy, so sorry" He kissed my head lightly, I looked at him.  
"Don't be, i-it isn't your fault, okay?"  
"I highly doubt that, come on" Shaun got up and pulled me up carefully, I limped over to the couch with his help. I laid down on the couch.  
"stay here" Shaun said, walking out.  
"well I can't go anywhere else now can I" I said sarcastically, Shaun came pack in with an icepack, putting it on my head.  
"what did you say?"  
"nothing, what are you talking about?" I didn't want him to get pissed off. He sat on the couch and sighed.  
"I really hate my dad…"  
"I hate him too"  
"I can't believe him, he can't just accept that I'm in love with you" Shaun looked at me with that sad look again, I hated it so much.  
"I'm sorry Andy" he said again.  
"stop…it's not your fault and I'm used to it, I've been getting bashed since I was a kid"  
"Andy…"  
"Shaun, you are the reason I live, I don't care that I got bashed for being with you. I'd jump in front of a train for you."  
"You shouldn't have to live for me, you should live for yourself, I'm not important"  
"You are important to me, I'd fight a million sabre-tooth tigers and jump in electrifying water if that's what it took to save your life."  
"Really?"  
"Yes"  
"I really fucking love you" he smiled, that smile I loved.  
"I was born to make you happy" I smiled. Shaun planted a soft kiss on my lips.  
"without you I'm nothing at all…" Shaun whispered, kissing me once more.


	6. Chapter 6

It's been a month since I got bashed, Shaun and I haven't really contacted anyone about anything, we just wanted to be alone. People just sucked and were always fucking us over. I walked in the house and smelt an off, wet grassy, filth burning smell. I felt sick in the stomach. What the fuck was that smell. I put my car keys down and kicked my shoes off, walking into the lounge. My eyes couldn't believe what they saw, Shaun was smoking a bong, he pulled away from the bong and exhaled smoke, coughing like he was having a fit.  
"S-Shaun…where the fuck did you get those?"  
"well, my life seems to be at it's all time low so some dude gave me a bong and weed, telling me it'll brighten it up a bit"  
"you've got to be kidding me, this house stinks now because of it"  
"it's not that bad"  
"not that bad?! Fucking hell Shaun, you're high! Marijuana is illegal and the second you walk in this house is smells like skunks had sex in here, it smells disgraceful!" I screamed at him, breathing deeply. What was happening with my life.  
"fine! I'll smoke it outside" he got up, grabbing the bong and lighter, going out to the backyard. Then it all just hit me. I hit my head against the doorframe, what is happening with my life? I don't even know how to react, why does Shaun need weed to make him happy when I'm here? He said I make him happy. He's going insane. But I can't let this chew him up. I'll help him through this….somehow…I my breathing started to shake, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I walked to the back door and slid it open, I saw Shaun sitting there with a beer. I bit my lip and stepped outside.  
"Shaun…Honey"  
"mmm" he looked at me annoyed, I hid my emotions and smiled sitting next to him.  
"I-I don't exactly know why you're doing this to yourself, even though I'm right here, I'm right here Shaun." I placed my hand on his thigh, he looked into my eyes.  
"All I have is you, I know that, but everything surrounding my life is gone, all I have is you and you make me happy, but recently, I've wanted to be another type of happy, and I've been getting death threats from Brooke, I can't really handle the stress of it. He said-"  
"who said?"  
"Some Budgewoi rat, He's not that ugly, I trust him with the weed he give me"  
"you don't know how much you could destroy with drugs Shaun, I was making you happy"  
"whatever." He laughed  
"well, talk to me when you're NOT high and see how this goes" I got up and walked inside, slamming the sliding door. My eyes glazed with tears, I was so angry. The man I loved was falling apart. I walked into my room and sat on my bed, covering my eyes as I just let all the built up emotions out since I got bashed. Everything is literally falling apart. The door kicked open.  
"Why the fuck can't you just leave me do what the fucking hell I want with my life"  
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SHAUN! I, LOVE, YOU AND THIS IS GOING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING" I screamed, the tears still running down my face, sobbing softly under my breath.  
"so what are you saying? Weed relaxes, not makes me go all 'high'"  
"y-you seriously don't get it Shaun, you don't" I wiped my eyes and sniffed, Shaun sat on the bed and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, holding me close and kissing my head, I rested my head on his shirt and tried to calm down.  
"I promise I'll try be more…nice to you when I am relaxed"  
"I want you to stop it, before it gets worse"  
"but it feels great Andy, I never felt so happy in that way before, with my love life, I'm amazingly happy but now, with everything else, I feel happy"  
"I-I can help you"  
"and weed can help me along the way"  
I sat up and looked in his eyes, his pupils seemed to have enlarged more than usual.  
"Stop"  
"what if I can't?"  
"just try, you learnt to stop cutting yourself, learn to stop smoking weed, I'd rather you smoke cigarettes then that"  
"I have cigarettes"  
"great…excellent"  
"are you hungry? I'm hungry, I wonder if we have any tiny teddies" Shaun got up, walking out. I groaned and laid back, it's never going to get better, is it?


	7. Chapter 7

"You ready Shaun?!" I yelled across the house, sliding my shoes on, Shaun walked in, sighing.  
"Do we really have to go?"  
"it's your mums birthday dinner, I think she'd want you to go" I got up and slicked his hair perfectly.  
"alright"  
"breathe so I can smell your breath"  
"I'm three days clean Andy, I haven't needed it recently"  
"good" I kissed him softly, Shaun placed his hand on my cheek, kissing me back softly. I've gotten used to him getting high, I'm slowly learning how to deal with it. It's fucking with his head a little bit, he gets distracted easily and laughs at stupid things and is always hungry and sometimes he can have the biggest mood swings depending on the reason why he took the drugs.  
"You look handsome" I smiled at Shaun, he smiled slightly.  
"thank you, beautiful"  
"it's okay, now come on, or else we'll be late"  
Later we got to the restaurant, I put my hand on Shaun's back as we walked in.  
"Good evening" the waitress said. "How many seats?"  
"oh, we're here for a 55th birthday for the woman over there" I said, pointing to the table  
"oh yeah, they said they were expecting, go right on through. Someone will be there with drinks soon"  
"thanks" I smiled, we started walking toward the table.  
"do we really have to be here? What if dad comes, It'll fuck up my mums birthday" Shaun said to me softly.  
"Don't be stupid Shaun, I doubt that'd happen- Hey guys!" I smiled and greeted everyone, hugging them and kissing the girls' cheeks.  
"Happy Birthday" I said as I got to Shaun's mum, she smiled.  
"Thank you Andy"  
"no problem, Shaun, did you bring the present?"  
"yeah, here" He passed the bag to his mum, kissing her cheek.  
"Happy Birthday mum"  
"thank you Shaun"  
He smiled, we both went and sat in our spots. Shaun grabbed a piece of bread and cut it open, grabbing the little butter and putting it on. I just looked at him, I love him so much I could just stare at him forever. He took a bite of his bread and slowly turned his head to me.  
"What?" he said with a mouth full, we both started to laugh and smile at each other.  
"You guys are so cute" Luke's girlfriend said.  
"no, we're just, madly in love" I looked at Shaun lovingly, wrapping my arm around my waist, he looked at me quickly then looked down smiling. He was so precious.  
"why can't you look at me like that!" His girlfriend said, slapping his arm.  
"I do so look at you like that, don't argue with me" he said, kissing her quickly, she smiled.  
"whatever"  
a waitress came over and pulled out her pad and pen.  
"ready to order?"  
"yeah" Shaun's mum smiled, we all ordered our food and drinks and just started to talk.  
"So mum, what are you doing about dad?" Shaun asked.  
"Your father decided not to speak to me anymore since I defended Andrew and you. He's staying at a friend's right now. I'm still thinking what to do."  
"alright, as long as he's not here. I'm good" I bit my lip and looked at Shaun.

After the dinner everyone wanted to go home, Shaun and I wanted to drink a bit more, so we went to the club that was next door. I grabbed our beers and went to the round table me and Shaun were sitting at, putting the beers down.  
"I seriously wish I could dance" Shaun said, watching everyone dance on the nightclub floor.  
"So do I, come on, let's dance together" I said back, having a few gulps of my drink.  
"you have to be kidding!"  
"not even kidding, let's look like idiots" I laughed, Shaun laughed with me, having a few gulps of his own drink then clapped his hands.  
"alright, let's do it!"  
I smiled and grabbed Shaun's hand, getting up and running with him onto the floor, we started to dance around, moving our hips and our feet, fist pumping since we weren't big dancers, Shaun started laughing.  
"I look like an idiot!"  
"Well then you're my idiot" I smiled, Shaun smiled at me.  
"can we sit back down?" he asked  
"sure baby" I smiled and we walked back to our table, sitting down and having a sip of our drinks.  
"I love you so much Andy" Shaun said, I smiled.  
"I just wanna have fun tonight" he continued "and the best fun I can imagine is having fun with you"  
"then we'll have fun and stay up till the sun rises!" I said over the music, Shaun smiled and leaned over, kissing me, I smiled and kissed him back.  
"I'm glad our table is at the back of the room with this couch around it" he said, I bit my lip.  
"why?" I asked.  
"because I can get wasted with you and make out with you without people realizing"  
"dude, I can already see three of you, I think I'm pretty much wasted" I laughed.  
"It's good to see we're around the same page then" he laughed and put his hand on my cheek, kissing me slowly, I suddenly felt butterflies, we were kissing in public, there was heaps of people around. I breathed deeply and grabbed onto his shit, lying back on the curve of the couch, Shaun slid his tongue in slowly, I exhaled and battled with his tongue slowly, running a hand through his hair, we made out passionately but so slow, he really knew how to turn me on.  
"Oi, look at these two getting it on!" someone said, everybody started 'woohoo'ing and whistling. Shaun and I started laughing.  
"maybe we should take this to the car" Shaun whispered  
"maybe" I smirked, he got off me, we both got up, I held onto the table to stop me from falling over.  
"Shows over guys, he's all mine tonight!" Shaun said, grabbing my hand and pulling me to him, I giggled as he kissed my head.  
"GET IN THERE!" someone yelled  
"OH I WILL!" Shaun yelled back, I laughed.  
"come on, let's go" Shaun said, we walked out, slightly tipsy, Shaun had his arm around my shoulder, so we were basically waddling together, everything around me was kinda out of place.  
"do you even remember where the fucking car is?" Shaun said so casually.  
"yeah, follow me" I laughed and ran up the street, Shaun going after me laughing, I tumbled to the side and fell over, bursting into laughter.  
"woah, man overboard" Shaun laughed "you okay there?" he said, helping me up, I laughed and pushed my face into his neck, embarrassed.  
"Yes, I'm fine" I laughed, looking at him, I looked up in his eyes then to his lips, he bit his lips then turned his head.  
"look, there's the car!" Shaun pointed, we walked toward it, I went to the door and grabbed the handle, tumbling onto the car, Shaun laughed.  
"The car isn't even open, wait" He pulled the keys out and clicked it open, I grabbed the handle again, opening the door to the back seat, Shaun jumped in first, I got in after and closed the door behind us. I smiled and got on top of Shaun, his leg sprawled over the back seat, he was sitting on a weird angle.  
"well hello" I smiled at him, he stroked my cheek softly.  
"hey beautiful" he smiled back, I started to unbutton his shirt, looking in his eyes.  
"I wanna try something new" I whispered in his ear, his breathing went deep, hopefully that meant he was excited. I kissed his lips slowly, our tongues battling a bit sloppy within seconds from the amount of alcohol in our system. He cupped my crotch, I tilted my head back, exhaling a moan as he started to suck on my neck, I ran my fingers up and down the back of his neck, he always said that was a turn on. He rubbed my crotch up and down, I bit my lip and got away from him slowly, kissing down his chest with my tongue till I was squished in-between the front and back seat of the car, I looked up at him, unzipping his jeans, he cocked his eyebrow. I smirked, sliding his pants down a bit and pulling his length out.  
"oh Andrew…" Shaun moaned as I started to pump his length slowly, rubbing the head with my thumb. I looked up at him, his head tilted back, I looked at his length and put it in my mouth, closing my eyes as I sucked hard, going up and down his length slowly, he moaned and grabbed onto my hair, started to deepthroat, sucking even harder, then sucked fast, looking up at him, he was enjoying it, I smirked and kept going as Shaun moaned and groaned.  
"B-Baby stop, I want to fuck you so bad" he moaned, I pulled away and wiped my mouth, getting up as much as I could in the car, Shaun leaned up, smashing our lips together, we kissed passionately as he pushed me down on the seat, undoing my pants, pulling them down with my help, I wrapped my arms around his neck as we continued to make out, he pulled me to where he felt comfortable and thrusted into me hard, I tilted my head back and cried out, grabbing the handle on the door in the inside of the car, Shaun moaned and started to kiss my neck, he was thrusting faster than usual. I moaned loudly and closed my eyes, putting my other hand through his hair, panting as he pushed deeper.  
"Oh god Shaun!" Shaun sat me up a bit and continued to fuck me, trying to hit the spot. I bit my lip and looked at him panting as I grabbed the handle that was on the roof of the car, feeling the knot in my stomach. He went slower but thrusted in and out so hard I couldn't contain the screams of pleasure. He grabbed my length and pumped me fast as he started to pick up the pace, I hit my head on the window multiple times but I didn't care, it felt so good, Shaun placed his other hand on the window, looking at me, I looked at him, smiling then tilted my head back, moaning and grabbing onto his back as he pushed deep again. I felt the bundle in my stomach I started to pant and felt myself sweat as my hand started slipping from his back.  
"fuck, fuck fuck!" I cried out, Shaun pulled out then got on his knees, taking my cock in his mouth, and after a couple seconds, I came in his mouth. I moaned as the shock ran through me. Shaun swallowed and exhaled.  
"that shit tastes funky" he laughed, I smirked.  
"get up, it's my turn" I said, Shaun smirked and sat up, I leaned over to him on the seat, taking his length in my mouth, sucking hard and fast. I was curious about the taste, after a while Shaun tilted his body back and panted, moaning as he came in my mouth, I swallowed it. It tastes so weird. I smirked and pulled away.  
"well you're right, that shit tastes weird." I laughed and breathed deeply, collapsing on top of him, we were so sweaty like we had just ran a marathon. He kissed my head and looked up at him.  
"You made the windows fog up" I laughed, breathless.  
"well, you're welcome my lover" he replied, laughing.  
"I love you so much, you know that?"  
"and I love you" he kissed my lips softly, I kissed him back then smiled.  
"maybe we should get dressed and go find a hotel to sleep in since we're 'under the influence'"  
"Alright, come on" He said, buttoning up his shirt, I pulled my pants back up, doing them back up as Shaun got his pants back on, I pushed the door open and stumbled out.  
"whoopsie!"  
Shaun laughed and got out after, wrapping his arm around my waist as he closed the car door, locking it. We walked up the road, and entered a motel. We went to the counter, Shaun rang the bell. A woman came to the counter.  
"Hello, how may I help you this morning?"  
"this morning? What time is it?"  
"4am" she said, laughing.  
"wow, you must get up early for this job"  
"been working since 11:30"  
"oh wow, well um, one room for the day"  
"okay sure, that's 25 dollars"  
"okay" Shaun grabbed out his wallet and pulled out 25, passing it to her.  
"pick any vacant room on the second floor" she said, smiling.  
"alright, come on baby" he grabbed my hand, we both made our way up to the second floor, I think I was finally sobering up. Shaun opened a door to a very wide, open room with a nice bed, window and little bathroom and kitchen.  
"this seems just about perfect" Shaun said, walking in. I followed and closed the door.  
"yeah, not too shabby" I said, starting to take my clothes off again. Shaun also took his clothes off, we left our underwear on than got in the bed.  
"come here" Shaun stretched his arm out, I smiled and snuggled into his side, he wrapped his arm around me, I closed my eyes as Shaun softly played with my hair softly, humming a slow, sweet tone.  
"I can't do anything right, so I'll sell my soul to the night, to be setting fire with you…I can't take this anymore, without you I fall through the floor, without you I'm nothing at all" he sung softly, I looked up at Shaun.  
"what's that?"  
"just a song I wrote months ago…about you" he looked down at me.  
"well, it's perfect, in a way" I put my hand on his cheek and leaned up, we kissed so slowly. I felt sun slowly lighten the room, I pulled away slowly and looked outside, the sun was literally so beautiful, but Shaun was probably the reason why it looked even better.  
"I can't believe the sun is rising, we really did have a great night, didn't we?" I asked Shaun, looking at him, he smiled down at me.  
"of course, one of the best I've had in years. Now, let's sleep." He said, yawning and groaning. I laid on my side, facing the wall, closing my eyes, Shaun held me in the spooning position as usual, it always felt so nice to be in his arms.  
"I love you Shaun…" I whispered, Shaun kissed my back.  
"I love you too…" he whispered back.  
"night" I said softly, drifting.  
"goodnight, beautiful"


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up and stretched, looking beside me, sighing to see no Shaun there, I got up, my head was banging. I wrapped a towel that was in the bathroom around my waist, opening to sliding door to see Shaun just sitting there, smoking a cigarette, looking out to the sky with his sunglasses on. He looked like one of those cool kids you see in movies. I sighed again, he's going to destroy himself, but he won't listen to me.  
"Hey…" I said, stepping onto the balcony.  
"Afternoon beautiful" he smiled at me and put out the cigarette. He knows how much I hate cigarettes. Especially the smell going to my head. He got up and wrapped his arms around me, I smiled and hugged him back.  
"Afternoon"  
"you wanna get dressed so we can head home baby" he looked at me, then kissed my lips, I kissed him back smiling then walked back inside, wiping my lips quickly of the taste of cigarette on my lips. Will we ever stop, for me?

-

I heard Shaun walk in the door the next week. I smiled and got up from the couch, Shaun never walked in the lounge. I walked out and notice him walk down the hall and go to the bathroom, I followed him slowly, I reached the door and twisted the handle, it was locked. I breathed deeply and carefully put my ear against the door. I heard rustling….and then sniffing. I backed away from the door and went to the kitchen, grabbing a fork then went back up to the bathroom, opening the keyhole with the fork. I put the fork on the ground then twisted the handle, going into the bathroom. Shaun suddenly stood up, a shocked expression on his face, I looked to the counter to find a line of white powder on the bench. I felt tears well up in my eyes again. Fuck everything.  
"A-Andy I-I-"  
"so, you're taking cocaine now? Are you trying to kill yourself Shaun? Not only are you smoking weed, cigarettes and doing cocaine, you've been drunk 4 times in one week. Why can't you stop this? Why can't you stop for me?" I pleaded him, tears escaping my eyes.  
"Because it feels good, drugs and you complete me"  
"w-well if you keep this up you're going to lose me"  
"Andy-"  
"LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING SHAUN! YOU'RE TEARING ME APART HERE, YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF MY EYES AND I-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT, I FUCKING LOVE YOU SHAUN! I FUCKING LOVE YOU BUT YOUR DESTROYING EVERYTHING FOR US, OUR FUTURE, YOUR FAMILY!-"  
"SHUT UP FOR FUCK SAKE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME! YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'VE BEEN DOING? HEROIN, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN SUCK MY FUCKING DICK OKAY THIS MAKES ME HAPPY!"  
"A-AND I DON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY?"  
"FOR FUCK SAKE ANDY, YOU'RE MISREADING THE POINT HERE, I LIKE DOING DRUGS OH-FUCKING-KAY? SO FUCK OFF"  
I felt so angered, tears were just streaming down my face. I looked at the line of coke on the counter and leaned over, blowing it off slowly then leaned back up, looking at Shaun.  
"Fuck you" he ran to me and punched me in the nose, I fell to the floor, covering my nose and sobbing, looking up at him terrified. Why would he do that to me? His face went blank. I looked at my hand to see blood on it.  
"A-Andy" Shaun said, starting to lean down to me  
I started to shake and got up, walking away, Shaun grabbed my wrist, pulling me down, I cried in pain. He doesn't know what I've done to myself, yet.  
"where the fuck do you think you're going? Let me talk to you"  
"n-no"  
"I never meant to hurt you"  
"y-you're turning into a monster Shaun. You only care about yourself and you're drugs, you don't realize I'm in pain do you? No you fucking don't because you'd rather make yourself high and feel happy when they're only making you worse"  
"I-I'll try to stop, b-because I love you" he put his hand on my cheek, leaning in to kiss me, I kept my head to his and looked down.  
"Y-You better stop…or else i-it's me, or the drugs"  
"I-It's you baby okay? You can be my drug. Just you and me, forever."  
"h-how do I know this isn't the drugs talking right now?"  
Shaun lifted my face and looked me in the eyes "Because I knew you and fell in love with you before the drug, you're my sober."  
I smiled slightly at his comment, even though it didn't make sense, I got what he meant. I leaned up softly and kissed him softly, he kissed me back and breathed deeply, pulling away.  
"now, let's fix up that nose" Shaun sighed.  
"okay" I got up and made my way back into the bathroom. I don't think I can trust Shaun, but I love him too much to let him go. I turned the tap on an grabbed a towel, I rolled my sleeves up as I wet a bit of the towel, cleaning the dry blood off my face in the mirror.  
"A-Are those cuts of your wrist Andy?" Shaun asked, I paused and looked at my wrist, forgetting I had done this to myself.  
"n-no" I said, looking down.  
"I've really fucked up haven't I"  
"No Shaun, don't think like that at all" I wiped the rest of the blood off then wiped it with the dry side, rolling my sleeves down and turning the tap off.  
"But it's true, I'm making you miserable"  
"no Shaun, you really aren't" I smiled at him assuringly, but I'm lying. All these drugs are destroying the both of us. I went to him and hugged him.  
"I love you, okay?" I said, snuggling my face into his neck.  
"I love you too Andy" Shaun said back, kissing my shoulder, holding me close. Why can't he act like this all the time?


	9. Chapter 9

"I'm hungry" Shaun whispered in my ear as we watched TV.  
"do you want to get some pizza?" I looked at him.  
"yeah, but go to that good place"  
"but that means I have to go pick it up"  
"so?" he laughs "if you loved me you'd do it" he smiled innocently. I laughed.  
"fine, you order it though, I'm going to go get my clothes on" I said, we kissed softly then I got up, walking down to the bedroom, sliding proper jeans and a t-shirt on. I slipped on my Vans then grabbed my phone that was on charge, slipping it in my pocket as I walked out to the lounge.  
"bye" Shaun said, hanging up the phone, walking to me.  
"I ordered it, it should be ready in 20 minutes they said"  
"okay, I should go now then, it takes 15 minutes to get there"  
"alright baby" Shaun kissed me softly, I closed my eyes and smiled, kissing him back slowly, Shaun smiled and pulled away slowly.  
"I love you" he said softly, I got those butterflies in my stomach again. I'm so in love.  
"I love you too Shaun, I better go" I kissed him quickly and grabbed the keys, Shaun said bye as I walked out to the car.  
I flipped through the radio channels as I drove. I sighed and just left it on one playing some pop shit, continuing to drive down the empty road. The radio went to the next song, Never Too Late by Three Days Grace, not this song, not now.  
'This world will never be what I expected  
And if I don't belong who would have guessed it  
I will not leave alone everything that I own  
To make you feel like it's not too late, it's never too late' I pulled over, sighing. This song reminds me of Shaun so much. I softly sung along, turning it up higher.  
"Even if I say it'll be alright  
Still I hear you say you want to end your life  
Now and again we try to just stay alive  
Maybe we'll turn it around 'cause it's not too late  
It's never too late

No one will ever see this side reflected  
And if there's something wrong who would have guessed it?  
And I have left alone everything that I own  
To make you feel like it's not too late, it's never too late" I hit my head on the steering wheel, this song always hits me every time. It reminds me of Shaun falling apart, me not being able to do anything about it. I breathed shakily as the tears and feelings just came out. I can't handle this pain, the love of my life falling apart, but it's not too late to fix things, never too late. It continued.  
'The world we knew won't come back  
The time we've lost can't get back  
The life we had won't be ours again' I looked at the radio and quickly turned it off, hitting the steering wheel in anger. I feel like I'm failing Shaun, I feel like a failure. This is all too much. I breathed deeply and wiped my eyes. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, all I needed was time to myself, to think; but there was so many thoughts that my minds gone blank. I opened my eyes and sighed, driving back onto the road.  
I got home with the pizza, putting it on the kitchen bench.  
"SHAUN!? I HAVE THE PIZZA!"  
"C-COMING!" Shaun yelled across the house, where is he. I opened the pizza boxes and grabbed what I wanted, putting it on a plate. Shaun came in a couple minutes later. He smelt like weed, I sighed.  
"what are you doing to yourself Shaun? I thought you said you'd stop…"  
"Weed isn't that bad though, I-I stopped coke. I'll get there baby I swear" he looked in my eyes questioningly, I looked down at my plate, grabbing another slice, walking to the lounge.  
"why are your eyes so red Andy?" Shaun asked as I sat down  
"nothing, just a bit tired."  
"you slept well last night though" he said, sitting next to me.  
"it's nothing Shaun, it really isn't"  
"you were crying because of me, weren't you?" he asked, I said nothing, keeping my head down, pulling apart things on the slice of pizza.  
"Andy" he said sternly, grabbing my arm, I flinched slightly and breathed deeply.  
"what do you expect me to say, Shaun?"  
"I just want to know why you're like this…"  
"you'll just yell at me most likely, say that 'weed makes you happy' and shit"  
"you fucking serious Andy? The weed thing, again? It does nothing"  
"what about the heroin you shoot up your arms 3 times a day Shaun? You've hit me twice because of it"  
"shut the fuck up Andy, you seriously don't get"  
"I don't get it?! For fuck sake Shaun, do you not see what's happening here! You're becoming something you aren't you're becoming selfish, think about me for once!" I slammed my plate on the table and stood up, facing the wall to hide the tears that made their way down my cheeks, I breathed deeply, running my hands through my hair. I haven't had much time to myself to let all the emotions come out, I felt slightly angered.  
"hey Andy, look" Shaun said, I turned to him to see him holding the needle of heroin in his hand.  
"For fuck sake Shaun don't be so immature"  
He just looked at me, slowly pushing the needle into his arm, I felt angered instantly.  
"Shaun, don't you fucking dare"  
"you can't control me" Shaun said, pushing the heroin into his arm, he bit his lip hard as he did so.  
"s-stop being to ignorant Shaun"  
"Fuck off" Shaun smashed the needle on the ground, smiling at me as he walked out, slamming the door. I felt my heart just suddenly ache, I bursted into tears and fell to the floor, covering my eyes and all my emotions just poured out. Why did this have to happen to me, I love him so much. I'm such a failure of a boyfriend. I hyperventilated and looked at the cracked glass on floor, sniffing as I wiped my eyes. I got up and walked to the kitchen, pulling out a clean glass, I looked at the which had a photo of my parents, I felt my tears well up, I threw the glass at the photo, it smashed everywhere, I bursted into tears.  
"Look what you did to me?! WHAT HAVE I BECOME MUM AND DAD?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!?" I screamed at the broken photo. They killed themselves when I was 12, they took drugs and had a lot of alcohol, I don't know what was happening with them to make them both jump off the bridge. They suspected that my mum jumped and my dad went after her. My step dad was so devastated to lose my mum. This is why I hate Shaun drinking and having so many drugs, he's turning into my parents. He'll die and leave people in this misery. I bet everything that's happened to me is my own fault. I walked to the broken glass, still crying as a picked up a large piece, the sharpest I could see through my teary blurred vision. I leaned over my kitchen sink and looked at my wrist, I won't go too hard to kill myself, just hard enough for the release. I pressed the sharp part to my wrist, pressing and dragging it softly over and over. Even though it was soft, blood started pouring immediately. The pain felt so good. I dropped the piece of glass in the sink and rested my head on my arm, sobbing softly. Why me? I heard the door slam open a few moments later, I jolted and started to wash my wrist off, biting my lip from the sting, Shaun walked into the kitchen tipsily. I looked at him, he had a bottle of vodka in his hand, he put it on the counter and walked to me, grabbing my arm fiercely, I hissed under my breathe.  
"you pathetic shit!" Shaun slurred slightly, I felt suddenly hurt, he pushed me down on the floor, Shaun got on top of me and pressed my arms down, I screamed from the burning sensation from my wrist, he pushed my face down to the side, the glass on the floor dag into my face, I cried and groaned as he punched my face. I kicked his balls, he groaned and let me go, I pushed him down and punched his face.  
"how dare you do this to me! I fucking love you Shaun, what are you doing to me, y-you're tearing as apart and you don't even care!" I cried, punching him over and over, he looked at me angrily and got up, falling onto the back wall.  
"I do fucking bloody care you knob!"  
"well if you did, you wouldn't of been the reason I'm in pain…" I stood up, going toward him slowly, he sniffed and looked down.  
"I'm such a horrible person" he started to cry, he slid down to the floor. I slowly sat next to him on the floor and looked at my wrist again, breathing deeply, I noticed a bruise around it where Shaun pressed on it, I sighed and looked at Shaun, he looked at me sadly, there was also a bruise on his arm where I knelt on it and he had a swollen eye and cut lip. Who knew what I looked like. He snuggled his head into the crook of my neck, crying softly, I ran my fingers through his hair and played with his soft brown curls.  
"I'm so sorry Andy…I'm so so sorry" he whispered softly, I breathed shakily, playing with his hair softly.  
"I'm sorry too Shaun, so sorry"  
"I love you so much, you're so beautiful, look what I'm doing to you…" he said softly, pulling away, I looked at him and softly stroked his cheek.  
"It's worth it, you're worth more than this whole entire world Shaun Diviney" I looked in his eyes then kissed his lips lightly, he kissed me back, I felt his smile under the kiss, I pulled away slowly and looked at him again.  
"I love you Andy, you're so strong for sticking by me"  
"I'd do anything to be by your side by the end of the day"  
"I love you so much" Shaun rested his head on my shoulder, I played with his hair again, smiling slightly.  
"I love you too Shaun, forever, and that's a promise" I kissed his head softly, he sighed in content, closing his eyes.  
"let this be forever" he whispered  
"it will be Shaun, it will be…" I closed my eyes, resting my head on his.


	10. Chapter 10

Months passed. We haven't had a blue since the last time. Shaun's still the same. He drinks a lot, I'm starting to manage though and I am trying to help, he hasn't done heroin for a week and a half now. Let's hope he keeps this up. I walked into my house to find all the blinds closed and the lights dimmed, I put my keys down slowly, walking into the lounge, there was a nice dinner with lit candles and Shaun getting up, walking to me with two glasses of wine, I smiled at him as he passed me the glass.  
"what's all this for?" I asked  
"it's our six month Andy, I just thought I'd do something special" he said, I smiled and kissed him softly.  
"well this is all so amazing, thank you"  
"anything for you" He grabbed my free hand, pulling me to the couch, I smiles and sat down, putting my glass down, Shaun grabbed his knife and fork.  
"I hope you like the lasagna, I made it myself"  
"It's looks good babe" I smiled and grabbed my knife and fork, starting to eat. He was the best cook. He's so perfect.  
After dinner Shaun brought out some chocolate covered strawberries and two glasses of champagne. I smiled at him and grabbed my glass, having a sip.  
"this is lovely Shaun, thank you"  
"no problem beautiful, what movie would you like to watch?"  
"well, since you've done so much for me tonight, let's watch your favourite movie. The Nightmare Before Christmas" I said, Shaun's face lit up, he loved that movie so much.  
"yay" he smiled large and giggled, putting it on, I laughed and grabbed one of the strawberries, sitting back on the couch as I ate one, Shaun pressed play and sat next to me, having a sip of his drink and grabbing a strawberry, eating it, I looked up at his beautiful face. He watched the movie so happily, I played with his hair softly, smiling. He looked down at me and smiled.  
"what you doing?" he asked.  
"just admiring how gorgeous you are" I said, I saw his cheeks go slightly red. I smiled, Shaun placed his hand on my cheek and leaned in slowly, resting his head on mine whispering.  
"Te quiero mucho mi amor" he smirked slightly, I smiled, I felt so overwhelmed when he spoke to me in Spanish in that tone, even though I don't know what he's saying.  
"stop speaking to me in Spanish Shaun I never paid attention in school" I whispered, giggling softly, looking up into his eyes.  
"I said; I love you so much, my love" he smiled, stroking my cheek softly with the back of his hand, I bit my lip slowly then leaned our lips closer.  
"well guess what?" I whispered "I love you more…" I touched our lips softly, we started to kiss soft and slow, breathing deeply. He ran his fingers through my hair, our kiss slowly getting more passionate but still slow, Shaun's tongue sneakily made its way around mine, I smirked slightly and battled with his tongue slowly. I placed my drink on the table then grabbed Shaun's, also putting it on the table, I pushed Shaun down slowly, he smiled and giggled under his breath as I pressed our lips together again, I ran my hand up his arm to his hand, linking our fingers as we kissed, Shaun pulled away slowly and went to my neck. He knows how much I loved it when he kissed me there. He sucked on the spot softly, massaging the spot with his tongue, I bit my lip and exhaled, kissing his shoulder, Shaun continued to make out with my neck, he slid his hand down to my ass, pushing my crotch down onto his, running his finger over where my crack his, I bit my lip and smirked, moaning softly. I moved my lips back to his, we made out so passionate yet slow it felt great. It wasn't like a 'I need you now' type of thing, it was romantic. Shaun slid his leg up my thigh, wrapping his leg around my waist as our crotches rubbed slowly against each other, he moaned and pulled away slowly.  
"I want to love you Andy…" Shaun said softly. I looked down at him, he sat up slowly, me moving with him, he grabbed my hand, pulling me up, we walked down the hall to my room, he massaged my back as we walked, I smiled and planted a soft kiss on his neck. He opened the door, I walked backwards, looking at him, biting my lip I laid back on the bed. He closed the door and got on top of me, we kissed slowly, he ran his fingers to my crotch, cupping me as he kissed to my neck, I moaned and pulled his shirt up slowly, pulling it off him. He pulled my shirt off as well, our lips smashed back together immediately, he rubbed my crotch up and down. I couldn't contain my moans. I ran my hands down to his hips and slid his pants down slightly, running a hand into his pants and grabbing his length through his underwear. He exhaled a moan and rested his head to mine, biting his lip. He pulled my pants down, I laid more up on the bed, he pulled his own pants and underwear down, getting on top of me, placing his hand on my cheek.  
"you're so fucking beautiful Andy" He whispered in my ear, kissing my shoulder softly as he reached into the side table drawer, pulling out a condom. I grabbed it from him and opened it with my teeth, he looked at me, biting his lip as I slid it onto his length, I exhaled and spread my legs a bit, closing my eyes as I knew what was to come. He kissed my neck slowly with his tongue, pushing into me. I grabbed onto his back and let out a loud moan, whispering his name. He sped up the pace within minutes. His sweaty body was on mine, we rocked back and forth so slow and in such a motion that was just pleasurable. I rested my head on his shoulder and bit my finger to stop myself from crying out, Shaun was panting and breathing heavily in my ear. He thrusted harder, I threw my head back and cried out loudly. I felt so close. Shaun got faster and faster, I groaned and felt myself sweat more as my orgasm started. Shaun grabbed my length and pumped me as I orgasmed, I cried out and panted as he started to moan loudly, riding out his own orgasm.  
"oh Andy…"  
"m-mhm Shaun" I moaned after the shock of the orgasm ran through me, I came on his hand, he looked at me and smirked pulling out and going to the bathroom. I bit my lip and got under the covers, snuggling up as I waited for the love of my life to return. He came back in and got under the cover, pulling me close. His arms wrapped around me. I smiled and kissed his chest softly.  
"I love you so much Shaun" I whispered, closing my eyes.  
"I love you too beautiful, so, so much" he kissed my head softly as I slowly fell asleep in his warm and strong arms.

I woke up to Shaun, admiring me. His smile instantly appeared on his face. I looked up at him, smiling.  
"morning beautiful" I said softly, he kissed my head softly and played with my hair softly.  
"good morning"  
"how long have you been awake for?"  
"not too long."  
"that's good then" I smiled and snuggled into him, sighing contently.  
"I love you so much Andy"  
"I love you too baby, so much" I ran my finger over his chest slowly, smiling at his soft pure skin. He ran his hand up my back.  
"you are so amazing Andy" Shaun whispered. I looked up into his beautiful bright eyes.  
"and you're just perfect" I smiled  
"I doubt that."  
"well don't, because you are fucking perfect to me." I said, he looked into my eyes so amazingly, I bit my lip as he leaned in, we kissed soft and slow, I closed my eyes and put my hand on his cheek. He smiled under the kiss, I heard a vibrate. Shaun immediately pulled away and grabbed his phone. Reading a text he got, I went to read it. But he locked his phone.  
"I have to go okay?"  
"w-where are you going?" I asked as he got up, putting his pants on.  
"Just have to do a few things okay? I love you" he leaned down to me and kissed me. I kissed him back softly, he pulled away and started putting his shirt on. I felt kind of restless. I got up and started to put my clothes on.  
"Andy what are you doing"  
"I'm coming with you"  
"no!...no, you can't Andy"  
I put my hoodie on then turned to him "and why's that?"  
"you'll find out sooner or later, but you aren't coming with me"  
"Shaun…"  
"no Andy, I'm not letting you go. I have to go. Bye" He came up to me again and kissed me slowly, I closed my eyes and kissed him back, clenching my eyes shut, he pulled away and grabbed his phone and wallet, running out of the house.  
"I LOVE YOU!" He shouted, then the door closed, I sat down on the bed slowly, my thoughts overlapping on what could be happening. "I love you too…" I murmured softly to myself, looking down at my hands, I sighed and got up, sitting at my desk, looking through my drawers. I pulled out an old photo album that was in there. I flicked through it, smiling slightly at the memories that were frozen in time. So many of me and Shaun, my step brother, step dad. Everyone I had considered family. I smiled and grabbed a red sharpie that was on my desk. I wrote 'I love you' on the notepad, that was all that was on my mind, love, Shaun. I drew a love heart next to it and coloured it in, then I pulled up my sleeve and wrote a small 'Shaun' with a heart next to it on my wrist. How could I be so in love?  
Time passed. I started to worry about Shaun. I grabbed my keys and made my way out of the house, getting in the car and driving down to the corner store. I need to take my mind of things. I walked down the empty street when I heard fierce chatter as I approached the corner of the street that led to an alleyway. I stopped and listened to the voices.  
"You said the first load of coke would be free" A familiar voice said. Shaun. I looked down and felt my eyes glaze over as I covered my mouth from shock.  
"But this is your second load. You have to pay up a thousand bucks. I'm not giving you coke, marijuana and heroin for 100 bucks" the sort of boggany voice said.  
"but that's all I have please, please, I beg of you." I heard rustling. I think Shaun grabbed the drugs.  
"no one grabs my drugs without paying!" he said fiercely, Shaun screamed. I gasped and looked around the corner to see the drug dealer holding up a knife. I felt my gut drop.  
"Please don't kill me!" Shaun cried, I jumped around the corner.  
"DON'T YOU FUCKING DAR-" and then I felt a sharp pain to my stomach three times over, I looked down and started to shake as I saw his knife in my stomach. I slowly looked up into the mans dark, almost black brown eyes.  
"ANDY!" I heard Shaun cry. He pulled the knife out and ran, taking the drug with him. I groaned and fell to the ground. I felt light headed so suddenly. Shaun ran to my side, my breathing started to get weaker as he held me in his arms.  
"Andy, Andy baby" Shaun sobbed softly, putting his hand on my cheek, I looked up at him. I felt myself black in and out of sleep and reality.  
"I-I love you so much Shaun" I said with all the voice I had left, a tear running down the side of my face.  
"I-I love you too Andy, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" he rocked me back and forth, sobbing as he pulled out his phone, dialling a number. I felt myself grow colder.  
"C-Can I please get an ambulance, m-my boyfriend is dying…s-stab wound…thank you so much, b-bye" he hung up the phone and put it on the ground, caressing me in his arms. He placed his hand over my wound hard, I groaned and closed my eyes, I felt too weak to open them.  
"A-Andy stay strong please baby, please. I love you so much you can't leave me. I need you" I looked up at him to see him crying heavily, the tears of pain and heart ache cascaded down my skin. I knew this was the end for me.  
"S-Shaun, you're gonna g-get far okay? P-Promise me you'll f-find love, get married and h-have cute little babies with them. P-Promise me you'll be happy without me…"  
"no! Andy please, please. I can't live alone. I-I can't live without you. I need you Andy! I love you!" he sobbed softly. I breathed shakily and put my hand on his cheek, leaning up with all the strength I had to plant one last kiss on his sweet lips. He kissed me back softly, I pulled away quickly collapsing in his arms from the pain, I looked up at him, I heard sirens, but my hearing was starting to fade.  
"I-I love you s-so m-much Shaun, n-never, ever, f-forget…that" I said with my few last breathes I could hold onto, I looked at him and then I saw nothing. Felt nothing. Became nothing


	11. Chapter 11

SHAUN P.O.V  
"Andy! Andy!" I cried, shaking his shoulders. Why did I let this happen. This is all my fault.  
"Please, please wake up, don't be dead, you aren't dead baby you aren't dead. I love you! I, love you." I sobbed softly, resting my head to his, his head was so cold, he was so limp in my arms. My love, my life, gone. The ambulance jumped out of their van, making their way toward me with their carrier.  
"You're too late! He's gone! He's gone, H-He's gone…" I started to break down, looking down at what seemed to be a sleeping Andy, he was peaceful, but so cold. I started to sob more heavily, holding him closer to me. I want him back, I'd do anything to hold him again, kiss him again, love him, play with his honey blonde hair and look into those beautiful blue eyes. I saw a red mark on his wrist, I pulled his sleeve down a bit to see my name with a heart next to it. I suddenly just bursted into more tears. I already miss him so much. Why must this happen to me.  
"Sir, you need to let him go, I know this hard to deal with, but we need to get him to the morgue as soon as possible. I looked up at them with my blurred vision from all the tears. I can't believe he's gone. And all he's worth to people now is six feet under. I looked at Andy again, my beautiful Andy Clemmensen, sleeping. Just sleeping, Shaun, he isn't dead, never dead.  
"Sir, please let him go, we need to take him." The woman said, I looked down at Andy and planted a soft kiss on his head, whispering "I love you…" I looked up at them, releasing Andy slightly from my grip, they took him away. Just like that and drove him away. It took me a few moments before I realized I wasn't holding him anymore. I weakly stood up and wiped my eyes as the police came zooming around the corner. A man got out and went to me, 2 other policemen and an investigator started looking for whatever they do.  
"I know this is a hard time for you, but do you mind if we ask a few questions?"  
I sighed shakily and nodded, looking down and crossing my arms.  
"What did the person who murdered Andrew Clemmensen look like?"  
My gut drooped at 'murder' I opened my mouth and softly spoke. "A-All I know is that his name is Josh, he had black hair, dark, almost black eyes."  
"thank you, let me just write that down" he grabbed his pen and started writing stuff down on his note pad.  
"and who were you to ?"  
"boyfriend, significant other" I said again with my soft voice, biting my lip.  
"oh…that's so sad to hear then"  
"yeah, I love him more than anything" I sniffed and wiped my eye before more tears escaped.  
"do you need a ride home? You don't seem to be at your best right now"  
"yeah well…I took the bus here, A-…He came with the car most likely, he still has the keys…"  
"why were you here before him?" he questioned, I gulped, I had to lie.  
"I-I decided to do some grocery shopping and he decided to come down and join, but I bumped into that Josh guy and he pulled out the knife then he jumped in front of me a-and yeah…"  
"so, he risked his life to save yours?" he asked, writing more stuff on the notepad.  
"Pretty much, but his life was worth a lot more than mine" I smiled slightly, remembering his smile then felt myself start to cry again. I was never going to touch that beautiful face, ever again.  
"Alright, Mr. Diviney, do you want me to take me home?"  
"C-Can you call me Mr. Clemmensen? A-And sure, I'd love to be home right now."  
"You deciding to take his name?"  
"yeah, he has no other family so…"  
"what about the Webb's?"  
"they're just his step dad and step brother, it isn't quite the same"  
"alright, well lets go then"  
"yeah…"

I arrived home. No car was at the front, I walked up to the front door, twisting the handle, he left it unlocked. I walked in and closed the door behind me. This house felt so dark, so empty. But I wasn't going to leave it. I walked past the lounge where our champagne glasses and strawberry stems were sitting, The Nightmare Before Christmas silently replaying itself. I didn't even know how to feel right now. I feel so drained. What just happened. Did it really just happen? Has the one I loved the most actually left my side. And it's all because of me. I should've listened to him when he pleaded me to stop. I wish I stopped. I walked into the bedroom. I still can't believe what just happened. I felt so dead inside. He was all I had. My everything. I sat at the desk and took my phone out, putting it on charge. I saw the notepad on the desk with red writing. I grabbed it shakily and read it. It said 'I love you' I put my hand over my mouth and felt my eyes glaze with tears. That was like a stab to my heart, I missed my baby boy so much. I breathed in and out slowly, trying to stop myself from breaking down. I saw the photo album, it was open on a happy photo from us from when we were 16, we were hugging and smiling. I smiled and sniffed, wiping the tear that made its way down my cheek, I kept looking through the album, then I came across to a photo of us kissing at my mums birthday. I ran my finger over him on the photo. Tears started to just run down my face, I miss his kisses. I miss him. I felt suddenly angry at myself, I looked to my side through my blurred vision by the tears and blinked hard, letting the tears out to see scissors on the desk, just staring at me. I clenched my fist, the temptation was calling me. I grabbed the scissors slowly, opening them. I bit my lip and held it to my arm, pushing down as hard as I could, the pain already running through my body. I scrapped it slowly, keeping the hardness to my skin, I clenched my eyes as I did so. I looked at my arm, blood swelled from it. It felt good to feel, knowing I'm not so empty.

I walked up the steps to Andy's step brother and step dads place. I knocked on the door three times, looking down, I was thinking about how'd I'd tell them. They were his family. This wouldn't be good. Andy's step dad opened the door, I breathed deeply, swallowing the lump in my throat.  
"Shaun? Is everything okay?"  
I looked up at him "I-I need to tell you and Bradie something."  
"come in then…"  
"alright" I bit my lip and came in, walking to the lounge room. Gerald called Bradie in as Gerald sat on the couch, Bradie came running in.  
"Yeah…woah, Shaun, are you okay?"  
"I-I need to tell you both something…Bradie, you should sit down"  
"oh…okay" Bradie went and sat next to his dad. I sighed and turned to them.  
"so, what is it Shaun?" Gerald asked, I took a deep breath.  
"I-It's about Andy…h-…he was murdered earlier today." I felt myself cry again, but I stayed steady. Bradie looked shocked, just staring into space. Gerald look so devastated, what have I done?  
"…F-First my wife…now my step son?" Gerald began  
"I-I'm so sorry Gerald. I really am. I-I know how upset you are, I loved Andy with all my heart" I cried.  
"Wait, you loved him?" Bradie asked me. Andy never told them. Shit.  
"Me and Andy were together…in love"  
"We hadn't spoken to him in a while, I had no clue. I wish I talked to him when I could" Gerald said.  
"I wish I didn't get so angry at him all the time" Bradie said to himself.  
"I'm so sorry Shaun, I know how you feel. It's terrible." He got up and went to me, hugging me. I hugged him back and sniffed.  
"y-yeah well now I have to go tell mum then I need to start planning the funeral" I pulled away from the hug, wiping my eyes. Bradie just sat there. They were like best friends.  
"w-well I better go. Bye" I walked out before they could say anything. I suddenly started to break down again. I rested my head in my arms on top of the car, crying into my arms heavily. I want my Andy back. I would do anything to have him back. I want him back. This is all my fault. I breathed deeply and pulled away from the car and kicked the wheel. Hyperventilating.  
"I hate everything about my life!" I said to myself, punching my window. My hand hurt immediately, a little crack popping into the window. I sighed and opened the car door, getting in and driving away. How was my family going to react?  
I walked up to my mums door, knocking. Liam opened the door.  
"Shaun, you look like you got high and shoved hot water in your face. You okay?"  
"n-no, I need to speak to the whole family. In the lounge." He suddenly looked scared. Gulping and going into another room. I walked in and closed the door. Going to the lounge where my brothers, my mum and even my dad sat on the couches.  
"What is It Shaun?" mum asked worried.  
"I-It' Andy, he's…h-he's dead" I felt the tears again. I can't tell anymore people. Please.  
"WHAT?!" Luke, my brother said shocked.  
"b-but….how?" Liam asked. I went to speak then dad interrupted.  
"I feel horrible now, so, so horrible."  
"let Shaun speak…how did this happen Shaun?"  
"H-He got stabbed by….some guy, he died in my arms. L-Last thing he said was that he loved me a-and it all just hurts so much" I bursted into tears, putting my hands over my eyes, sobbing. I felt my mums consoling hug around me, then dad and my little brothers joined the group hug.  
"I'm going to miss him so much, he was like a brother." Liam said softly, sniffing.  
"I'm so sorry Shaun, I'm sorry for what I did to him" my dad said, he was never sorry, he used to say he deserved it.  
"I-It's fine dad" I said softly, mum grabbed my arm.  
"Is that a cut? Shaun are you cutting again?"  
"What?" I looked at my arm. Shit.  
"No, I scrapped my arm" I pulled my sleeve down, crossing my arms.  
"I hope you'll be okay Shaun" mum said, putting her hand on my cheek.  
"I will be" I smiled slightly. Just to make her feel that I will be, not that I will be, I know I won't be.


	12. Chapter 12

I took a gulp of my beer as I looked at the papers in front of me at the coffee table, the planning for my boyfriend's funeral. It's all been so hard. I still feel him watching me. But I can't have him. I just want to drink all the pain away. I have to say goodbye to him at the open case showing tomorrow before we cremate him. He wanted to be cremated and put into the local lake. Where me and him used to hang out growing up. I took another gulp of my beer and sighed. Nothing will fix anything.

I walked up to my mother who walked in the door of the funeral home. I had a sip of the champagne in my hand. The same type of champagne I had the last time with Andy.  
"You okay?" Mum asked, putting her hand on my shoulder.  
"Yeah…Come to the casket with me to say bye" I bit my lip and grabbed mums hand, pulling her to where Andy was. He looked so pale and peaceful, sleeping. I made sure they made him wear his favourite suit. I stroked his cheek slowly, he was so cold. It just didn't feel the same.  
"He really was beautiful" my mum said.  
"H-He still is, he always will be" I smiled, a tear running down my cheek as I stroked his hair slowly.  
"I'm scared to touch him" Liam said as he walked up. I wiped my eye.  
"don't be. I'm pretty sure he's gone. He won't magically come back, no matter how hard we try" I said, sighing, dad put his hand on my shoulder. I just stared at Andy. It was even worse to think that he'll be nothing but dust soon.  
I kissed Andy's head softly, clenching my eyes shut. I just want him back.  
"I-I love you Andy, forever" I whispered, pulling away from him.  
"Ready for us to take him?" the guy who worked there said. I stared at Andy's face that one last time, nodding slowly, I kissed my fingers and put them softly where his heart is then crossed my arms, looking at him as they closed the rest of the casket. I looked down as they lifted him up and took him away. My mum hugged me, I rested my head on her shoulder and started to cry again. That was it. He's actually gone now.

I made my way down the chapel where the funeral was held. Many friends and family of mine and some of Andy's distant relatives had come. I was hoping I'd be walking down the aisle to marry the man I loved someday, but instead, it was to say my speech to him at his funeral. The tears had already started to fall before I reached the podium. I wiped my eyes and stood at the podium, opening up the folded up piece of paper that was in my pocket and cleared my voice as I began to speak.  
"Andy, my love, my life, everything I could've ever dreamed of. It's hard to believe you're gone. I still go out and come home every day hoping to see you there on the couch, smiling at me as I smile at you. But now it's like a cloud of darkness. There is so, so many good moments with you. Our first kiss was one of my favourites and w-when we met for the first time on the train on the way to school and you made me laugh, it was like love at first sight, it was a different feeling to what I had ever felt before. The feeling of having a friend, someone who won't judge me, and that's what you never did. You never judged, you stuck by my side, and I still hope you will, in spirit." I sniffed and continued to read "W-We all knew Andy was the sweet, funny and maybe sometimes stupid guy, but once you got to knew him he had a whole other side, the tragic loss of his parents, the bullying not only did he face, but we faced it together every day, he suffered bulimia, depression and anxiety from all the trauma, but we got out alive. Together. And now, knowing he won't be here will be very difficult for me to handle. I'd never thought I'd see this day, I've had you in my life for almost ten years, and now you're gone, it's so hard to believe. I still remember that time when we went to you dads for Christmas, before he had unfortunately died. How we danced and laughed all night, how we made up jokes and played with our Gameboys, we talked about girls and the douches from school, which was pretty typical of us. And for presents you bought me something, you brought me Pokémon yellow, the only game I didn't have. That won my heart" I smiled slightly remembering and sniffed, tears rolling down my face as I went on. "There is so much to say about you, Clemmensen, but all I can really think to say is that I'll miss the past 6 months with you. I'd do anything to bring you back, to hold you, love you, laugh with you, kiss you, look in your beautiful blue eyes, run my hands in your golden hair. All I'll ever want is to do all the things I never got to do with you. You stuck by me through thick and thin, but now that you're gone. I-I don't know how I'll go on. You were so amazing. S-So amazing I'm actually crying over you, again. This will never settle in, the pain, the guilt of your death, the pictures in my mind of every moment with you. Wishing I was able to fix things. I-I'm going to miss waking up to that glorious smile every morning. But you're sleeping with the angels now. I-I love you Andrew Clemmensen, I-I don't know if you're here watching us today, but I want you to know. I love you so much, you were my real first, and only love. It's you and me forever, j-just as promised. I'll never be able to say goodbye, but I can say, I can't wait till we meet again. I miss you and I love you, always…" I looked up at everyone, sniffing and crying, wiping their eyes, the tears still flowed down my face as I looked down and walked back to my seat where I sat next to Bradie. I'd never thought I'd see him cry, but now I've seen it.  
"And now we have a slideshow of Andrew from the past 24 years of his life" the host said, backing away from the microphone. A slideshow started to play, the song "I miss you" by our favourite band, Blink-182 started playing, it was one of his favourites. I felt so numb with pain and heartache, all the photos that went through, all the things that played through my mind as the photos went through slowly. All those memories just chucked away from the most stupidest decision I had ever made. I sniffed and wiped the tears away as the baby photos went into his school year photos, most of them with me and us being idiots, half of the moments I had completely forgotten rushed back to me. I'd do anything to have him back, but I was given my chances, this is my fault.  
It still haunts me, seeing him get stabbed, seeing him fall to the ground like that, seeing him fade away in my arms and me not being able to stop it. The god darn drugs, they ruined my life. My mother passed me the urn which had Andy's remains in it. I felt so weird holding him, in powder form in a wooden box. We all walked down to the lake, I was completely silent as everyone else chatted about their memories with Andy. I'm so getting drunk after this. I'm sick of the pain. I walked to the edge of the pier to the lake and sat down, kissing the box softly.  
"you ready Shaun?" dad asked. I nodded and bit my lip, opening the box.  
"I love you Andy" I whispered to the powder which was once my boyfriend, I felt my eyes glaze with tears again as I scattered it into the water. I remember coming here with him whilst growing up. Just lying here, looking at the clouds talking about the future and all the stupid little problems. I wished I had gotten with him sooner. I wanted to spend my life by his side, grow old with him. I closed the box and got up. I noticed a bit of powder from Andy on my pants. I smiled slightly. It felt good to have a piece of him with me for the day at least. I'll never wear these pants again.

I walked in my house, tumbling over slightly, everything around me seemed so unreal. I was seeing fours of my keys. I took a puff of my cigarette, the smoke I inhaled soothed my lungs as I exhaled. I walked, or at least I think I walked, into the bathroom and looked in the cupboard, pulling out my bong and marijuana. I put out the cigarette I had half smoked on the tiles and started up the bong , inhaling it, it tastes better to what it smells, I pulled away and exhaled, then inhaled any leftover smoke, exhaling it out again, I smiled and hit my head on the back wall. I felt a bit more relaxed now. But then I felt something come up into my mouth, I stumbled, reaching over to the toilet and threw up, the most foul tasting thing I had tasted in a while. Remind me not to get high whilst drunk. I collapsed on the bathroom floor and blacked out suddenly. Finally, no pain.


	13. Chapter 13

I looked through my draws quickly. I'm running low on drugs, I need some, I feel so tense. I kept looking until I found my last heroin needle, I sighed in relief and sat down, looking at my arm which was just covered in cuts and scars now. I pressed the needle into my vein, pushing the liquid into it. I felt suddenly relieved, like everything was okay. Heroin is usually what I crave now, but the high is so good. I need more drugs, but there's no way I'm going back to Josh, I'd most likely kill him. I've started to grow my own marijuana, so as long as I have that, I should be okay.

I started drinking again, I drink all day long, I think I've had ten drinks already and it's not even 4pm yet. Everything around me hurts too much when I'm sober. I heard a knock at the door, I tumbled slightly as I walked to the door, I had a gulp of my drink as I opened the door. I felt like crying suddenly. It was Brooke.  
"Shaun, I heard about Andy and I just wanted to say sorry for your loss"  
"I know why you're here…I know you just want to get in my pants Brooke you never liked Andy" I said, she had that ignorant look on her face. It's nothing but what I expected from her.  
"I'm definitely not here to do that, but you're right I never liked Andy"  
"then what's your reason for coming here? To hurt me some more? Then do it, see if I care."  
she just stood silent. I knew what she wanted. I sighed, I'm not ready for a relationship.  
"let's just get this over and done with" I grabbed her hand and put my drink on the table, I pulled her through to my room, throwing her on the bed, she smirked at me. Look at that, I was right. She just wants me to fuck her. I got on top of her and started pulling her clothes off as she took of mine. Once we were naked she wrapped her arms around my neck and went to kiss me, I tilted my head away.  
"don't kiss me" I said, she started to kiss my neck instead. I closed my eyes. I could still only think about Andy. I pushed her down and grabbed onto her hips. Thrusting into her. She moans like a whore for me. I wasn't even enjoying myself half the time, I kept going and imagined she was Andy, that turned me on a bit more, when she touched my chest, I imagined her as Andy, I imagine looking at Andy's face as he pleasurably but lovingly looked up at me, I felt my breathing shake. I was so close but so far to him. I flashed back to reality and looked at her, enjoying herself. I can't believe I used to enjoy this. I felt myself tear up realizing what I'm doing, this isn't Andy. This is just wrong.  
"n-no, I can't do this" I said, pulling out and sitting on the corner of the bed, resting my face in my hands, she wrapped a sheet around the both of us and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.  
"you really loved Andy, didn't you?" Brooke asked, I looked at her, the tears escaped my eyes. I nodded and looked down.  
"I'd do anything to have him back" I said softly, she kissed my shoulder.  
"I know…I'm just going to go" Brooke got up and started to put her clothes on. I got up and put my own clothes back on, slowly making my way down to the bathroom. I closed the door and rested against it. I waited till I heard Brooke leave. Once the door closed I went to the mirror, I looked at the terrible mess I had made myself. I need more drugs, they're all I have, I looked through my bathroom drawers, nothing. I slammed the drawer the closed and screamed in anger. I need them so much right now. If I can't have Andy, I'll have the drugs. I need the drugs. I rocked back and forth slightly as I looked at myself in the mirror, the tears still falling. I grabbed my newly found razor blade that I kept behind the sink. I looked at my left arm that was already covered in cuts. I even engraved Andy's name, I don't even know why. I looked at my clean right arm, putting the razor in my left hand and just started to attack my right arm, with no thought or consideration. 10 cuts on my wrist, I finally decided to drop the razor, the blood oozed from my wrist, it made me feel better, an emotional release. It was good to feel. I only felt so alive when I cut and when Andy was in my life. I wasn't lying when I said that without him I'd be nothing at all because it's true, I am nothing.

The next day I woke up, hoping something would go right for once, I got a text from the café I used to play at before all the mess happened. They asked me to fill in for a performance today. I smiled and replied yes. Getting up and putting on a shirt, I looked at my arms. I can't let people see this. I looked through the cupboards, all my hoodies needed cleaning, I pulled out one of Andy's hoodies and looked at it. I smiled and put it on. I still haven't got all the things that Andy had with him when he passed because of their investigating, everything of Andy's is now mine though. I think that's what he wanted.  
I pulled up to the café and put out the cigarette I was smoking in the car and put a piece of chewing gum in my mouth, hoping it'll mask the cigarette stench, I sprayed the lynx that had been in this car for a while now, it was also Andy's. I never wore lynx and the smell reminded me so much of Andy I felt like crying. This is as close as I'm probably going to get to him. I grabbed my guitar and got out, making my way into the café.  
"Hey Shaun, you're up next" the worker said. This person was new. I smiled and nodded, going to the back, setting up my guitar.  
"now ladies and gentlemen, sadly, Eddie couldn't perform today but our old friend Shaun is here to perform. Please welcome, Shaun Diviney!" the woman said, clapping and going off the stage, I wanted to change my last name to Clemmensen, but the council still haven't gotten back to me. I walked up and pulled the bar chair to the microphone, I bit my lip and spoke.  
"uhm, Hi, I'm Shaun and I'll be playing a few songs I wrote, so I hope you enjoy…this song goes out to the most beautiful soul I knew…this is for you Andy"  
Everyone clapped as I began.  
"Close your eyes, I can't see you  
Anymore than I can see me here with you  
And I'll defy the whole galaxy  
Just to be here in your arms under the moon,  
Just so you know  
I'm in over my head  
And i can't touch the ground  
But nothing is going to stop me now" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I sung the chorus, making sure my fingers where in the right places on my guitar.  
"Wendy  
We'll defy the stars together on the moon  
For you singing  
Wendy  
So just wrap your arms around me  
Forever, forever for you" I looked at the crowd, intrigued by the level in my voice as I sung  
"Dry your eyes, little darling  
And I'll break just like china doll in blue  
And my disguise  
Little darling  
Is a hole inside my heart that's built for two" I sung then sighed slightly, I miss Andy so much.  
"Just so you know  
I'm in over my head  
And i can't touch the ground  
But nothing is going to stop me now…  
Wendy  
We'll defy the stars together on the moon  
For you singing  
Wendy  
So wrap your arms around me  
Forever, forever, for you" I did the miniature solo then continued.  
"This is the last time  
I won't apologise to you  
No matter what I've done  
This is the last time  
Looks like we won't pull through  
So baby let it shine  
So baby let it shine" I took a deep shaky breath and belted out the next line  
"So baby let it shine!  
We'll defy the stars together on the moon  
For you singing  
Wendy  
So wrap around me  
Forever, forever for you  
Wendy  
We'll defy the stars together on the moon  
For you singing  
Wendy  
So wrap around me  
Forever, forever for you...thank you so much" I smiled, the tears glimmered in my eyes, I pulled away from the microphone and sniffed, continuing to my next song.

I drove up to my place, there was police outside. I felt my gut drop. What could have possibly happened now. I got out of the car and ran across the road to my house, a policeman came up to me.  
"Are you ?"  
"Yes I am, what are you doing in my house…and what are those dogs doing here?" I asked, pointed to the police dog  
"Sir, we found Josh, he told us about the drugs and we found sources of cocaine in the bathroom and cannabis plant in your backyard, you've been charged for growing the drugs, owning them and driving under the influence of drugs"  
"who said I'm high?"  
"I can see it in your eyes. We're locking you up for a year for also being part of the reason of Andrew Clemmensen's death" he sternly said, I felt my eyes glaze with tears as I panicked, my life is officially over.  
"n-no! please no I-I didn't mean to! I didn't mean any of it to happen, I loved him, I LOVED HIM!" I cried.  
"Sir, please give me your hands, you're under arrest."  
"NO!" I cried, punching him in the face and running out of the house, 4 policemen were behind me, the man pushed me to the ground, I sobbed as they pulled my hands behind my back, handcuffing me.  
"You've also been charged for assaulting a policeman" he said, pulling me up from the ground as I cried.  
"please don't take me to jail, please don't" I cried, they shoved me in the back of the car. I just want to die now. I just want my Andy back.


	14. Chapter 14

A week in this hell hole. It's so repetitive. Eat, work out, stay in the cell, get visits, sleep, repeat. Two guards walked me down to the visits room, sitting me down fiercely. I sighed and looked down as my mum and dad walked in, sitting across from me.  
"Shaun" mum started.  
"what?"  
"we aren't going to bail you out, I hope you know that"  
"mhm"  
"son, why could you let this happen, look at yourself. Your face is a mess, your arms are destroyed-" my dad started, I cut in.  
"what did you expect from me dad? I fell apart and it took everyone I cared away from me"  
"I expected better from my first son" he said, I looked down again. I've failed everyone.  
"Shaun, why did you hurt Andy like that when you loved him?" mum asked, I looked up at her, my tears glazing my eyes. I hate hearing his name. It kills me.  
"I-It was an accident, it never should of happened. I deserve all of this"  
"but why the drugs?"  
"I got forced, I was put under pressure."  
"well, you've definitely upsetted a lot of us"  
"I'm done with this, goodbye mum" I got up and walked out of the room, the security grabbed me immediately, leading me back down to my area.  
"we'll be back in twenty minutes, everyone is doing weightlifts. If we're back and you aren't in your cell. You'll cop it" they pushed me into my area, they slammed the door, locking it up. I made my way down all the open cells. I don't want to work out. I walked into my cell and sighed. It was so dull. I heard a group of guys laugh, walking past. One of them stopped and looked over to me. I stared at them. It was Josh. He walked in and pushed me against the cell wall, smirking. He was obviously put here because he murdered my boyfriend.  
"I heard you like it up the bum"  
"h-huh?" I said confused  
"come on boys" he said, his friends came in, they all laughed and grabbed my arms, Josh covered my mouth and pushed me on the floor, his friend sat on the bed and pulled his pants down and started to touch himself. I felt suddenly panicked, my breathing got heavy as the pushed my head onto the side of the bed, the rest on my body leaning toward the floor.  
"I just want to cum in this pretty boys hair" the man on the bed said.  
"fucking leave me alone. HELP-" Someone slapped my ass hard, making me groan and start to cry as they pulled my pants down. Josh's friends held me to the bed, covering my mouth, I started to sweat in panic, then I felt it. It hurt a lot. He wasn't even careful, I grabbed the sheets as he thrusted in and out of me at a fast pace, he grabbed the back of my hair, pulling me up, I cried out in pain and looked at the guy on my bed.  
"move your hand" he said to the guy on my right "I want him to suck my dick" He moved the hand, I held my mouth shut, he pushed his filthy penis on my mouth.  
"SUCK HIS DICK!" Josh screamed at me, moaning and spanking me again, I cried and took him in my mouth. I didn't focus half the time. I couldn't even think. I was just shaking. The guy pulled out of my mouth and came in my hair, just like he said he would. Josh cried out "scream for me you fat fuck!" I screamed, faking the pleasure, He pulled out moments later, everyone got up. I covered my head and sobbed into the bed covers. I feel so dirty, worthless.  
"dumb cunt" I felt a sharp kick at my ass which made me cry out in pain. It was already so sore.  
"that's what you get for not paying for your drugs" him and his friends laughed, walking out.

I sat on the top bunk the rest of the night, shaking and rocking back and forth slightly. Everything is just so horrible. Why did this have to happen to me. If I stopped taking drugs, I wouldn't be in this mess. They put my dinner through the hole. I just stared at the plate, still shaking. I don't want to eat. I pinched my arm over and over, I wanted my razor, more than anything. I was never going to get my happiness back. I laid down and faced the grey wall, I was unable to sleep but I continued to pinch my arm, the pain was good. When was this all going to end?


	15. Chapter 15

It's been another week. It's gone so slowly. I'm getting abused now, I'm not getting raped but I've gotten bashed twice and everyone keeps calling me fat and faggot and shit, it just feels like high school all over again, but this time I don't have a special someone to help me through. I started drawing on the concrete floor with a rock I had found, I just drew lines and all sorts of weird crap. The amount of bruises appearing on my arms is amazing. I'm just covered in purple, black and green spots which is such a delight to press on when in need of some pain. Security guards opened the door, I got up immediately and looked at them.  
"come with us"  
I followed them down the hall of my area, I looked left and right at all the people I had spent the last two weeks here with.  
"oi, where's fatty going?" one of them said. I bit my lip and looked down, I followed into a room where a woman was standing.  
"hello, is this Shaun?" she asked politely  
"yes it is" I said softly.  
"I think I can handle him from here on" she said to the guards, they nodded and walked away, she smiled at me and walked, I followed her.  
"So, what's going on exactly?" I asked.  
"I need to ask a few questions, I hope you won't mind"  
"oh, okay. Yeah, I guess I don't mind."  
"good, come here darling" she walked into some sort of conference room, I walked in as she took a seat by the desk  
"close the door and take a seat" she said, I bit my lip nervously and closed the door, sitting at the couch that was in front of her desk.  
"Now Shaun, why are you here?"  
"what do you mean?"  
"what put you in jail?"  
"oh, well, It started around seven months ago, I started taking marijuana and then I moved onto cocaine and heroin and then my boyfriend got killed which was partly my fault so yeah" I said regretfully.  
"Why did you start the drugs?"  
"My ex-girlfriend was abusing me and got really upset since I cheated on her with my boyfriend and she just kept giving me shit and then my dad bashed my boyfriend which made me suddenly miserable. I just started taking drug after drug and smoked cigarettes and drank a lot of alcohol"  
"that's horrible"  
"I wish I stopped when I could. Then Andy would still be here and I wouldn't be stuck in this hell" I looked down at my lap as my eyes filled with tears up.  
"How long have you been depressed?"  
"depressed?" I looked up at her "I'm not depressed" I said.  
"have you ever felt like ending your life, do you self-harm?"  
"a-almost everyday and yes"  
"and why do you think these things?"  
"because everything is always my fault, I've been bullied, raped, backstabbed, I've lost my love. I'm done. I've given up on myself"  
"Shaun, I think that we should put you in a rehabilitation centre, it'll help you"  
"there's nothing wrong with me though" I said sternly  
"Shaun, you have a high risk in depression and you self-harm and you're addicted to drugs. The rehabilitation centre here is better than the area you're in now. Your room isn't bars, it's actual walls and you'll be fed good food and be well looked after"  
"I don't care about food."  
"…When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" she asked, I looked down and thought.  
"three days, I've had bits and pieces of meals but I haven't eaten a full meal"  
"I see…" she said, typing up something.  
"can I go now?"  
"they're taking you to the rehabilitation centre"  
"fine. Whatever" I sighed, walking out, where the guards led me to the area.

I've been through months of the same bullshit. My cell is in a different area and I have to be fed in a cafeteria with a lot of other people, we have to be looked after well. Apparently I have developed anorexia. But I'm still fat, so I don't see how it's possible. I sat in my bed and looked at my arm, it was just covered in scars and bruises. My arm was getting thinner, but it wasn't thin enough, neither was my stomach. I pinched the fat on my arm. I want every bit of fat to disappear. I'm sick of being seen as the fat faggot and my thighs, ugh, don't get me started on how big they look. I just want Andy now. I miss him, I just lay here and think about killing myself, how simple it'd be to be with him again, but they watch us so carefully, it's so hard to get away. I already feel so dead inside. I'm just ready to leave and be with my one and only.  
We got led down to the cafeteria and sat at our spots. I sat alone. I never liked talking to people. Plus, they give me shit and start fights with me. I don't want to be friends with these people. I grabbed my fork and pushed the food around my plate. I sighed and scooped up some mashed potato, I went to put it in my mouth when someone pushed my head.  
"faggot" he laughed, walking to his spot. I paused and put my fork down sighing.  
"Diviney! Eat your food please" a guard said. I sighed and picked up my fork, having a few mouthfuls of vegetables and mashed potato, I didn't want to have the sausages. I felt sick. I looked at guards pocket, the gun, that should kill me. If I can successfully grab it. I need this. The guards told us that dinner was over. I got up, walking by a guard, I sneakily grabbed the gun from his pocket, slipping it in my pants, leaving my plate at the counter, walking with everyone back to their rooms. I walked into mine and closed the door, they locked us all up and walked out. I pulled the gun out and bit my lip. I had to do it when no one was awake. I'll wait a couple hours. I slid the gun under my pillow and just sat on my bed, my face in my hands, thinking. I'm over getting the same shit day in and day out, I feel so alone. My parents are disappointed. I don't deserve to live in a world where Andy doesn't exist. I miss him more than I've ever missed anything. I pulled out a knife from under the bed that I had stolen yesterday, I pulled down my pants and looked at my thin legs, I grabbed all the fat I could see, it was disgusting. My body is so ugly. I stabbed the knife deep into my leg and dragged, blood instantly swelled up, whoops. It felt good to feel though. I pulled up my pants then looked at my wrist, I wanted to cut there more than anything, who cares? I'm dying tonight anyway. I bit my lip and sighed in relief as I scrapped the knife hard on my skin, over and over. The blood was so nice to see, it's nice knowing you aren't empty on the inside. Maybe I should write a suicide note for the ones that mean the most. They gave us all a pen and notebook to write our troubles in if we had to vent. I grabbed it and pulled a piece of paper out. I grabbed the pen and sighed. What was I meant to write? I looked around the dull room then looked down at the paper, beginning to write.  
'I don't know how to describe myself right now, I feel empty, lonely, hurt and ashamed. I'm so over living, and in this cell, it's just grey wall to grey wall and me, going insane. The battles of the depression, anxiety and anorexia have taken the better of me. I can barely even sleep at night. I'm just over it all, If I did die successfully tonight. I honestly don't think anyone would care. I hate myself more than anyone I've ever known…I miss my beautiful boyfriend, Andrew, who I hope to meet with soon. I wish all my belongings to be shared within my family, my future nieces and nephews and so on. I wish my gravestone to say Shaun Diviney-Clemmensen and I want to be next to Andy. I want to be as close as I can with him and this is how I'll get there. I have a gun, this should end quickly. I feel just worthless, soulless. My life is full of black and white without Andy, that splash of colour to my world. I wish nothing but the best for my mother and father, brothers and family. I know you're all better off without me, so I'll leave it at that. I want Bradie and Gerald to get Andrew's things as they'll no longer be in my possession. I knew my life was going to end for a while now and it did end, not tonight but when I lost Andy, he was all I could have wished for, and he was gone. It punched a hole in my chest which still aches to this very day. I just can't deal with it, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. But this for the best, for all of you. I'm sorry, I've failed you, father, mother, family and even Andy. I've failed everyone. I'm just filled of so much guilt and hurt that I'm done. I will always be watching over you. Never forget that I do love you all, I LOVE YOU! But I can't stand this anymore. Life has just gotten too hard for me to handle. I don't deserve to live anymore, it's all too much. I was hoping this letter would be short, simple, but it's so hard to say goodbye. I just hope for everyone to have a happier life without me and not have to deal what I've dealt. I hate the fact that I exist and have to feel what I do, life just wasn't meant for me, I'm sorry I've disappointed you all. I'm so sorry, I love you all.  
Shaun x'  
I wrote and read over it, I felt myself start to cry. These are my final moments of sadness, I should never have to feel again. I looked at the note, I placed it on the bed and looked at my arms, how damaged they were, how thin my hands were, but they still had a bit of fat. Knowing I was turning into skin and bones made me know that I was going to die eventually, very soon, but I can't wait anymore. I wanted Andy, I wanted happiness, I shakily grabbed the gun from under the pillow and stared at it. Tears cascading down my cheeks. I inhaled deeply and held the gun to my head. I closed my eyes and started to pull the trigger. But I let go, I was afraid. But I wanted Andy. I need Andy. I stood up and looked at the gun, my breathing was heavy as I slowly paced back and forth in my room, I looked toward the plain grey wall, which soon I hoped would just be black. I shakily held the gun to my head again, I closed my eyes and swallowed, pulling the trigger. But nothing. For fuck sake. I still felt the same. I looked at the gun, checking it, there was no bullets. The guards clearly used it just to scare us. I looked at the knife on the bed. I smirked slightly. I was going to die tonight.  
"fuck this" I said, I threw the gun to the ground and grabbed the knife, I held it high in the air, aiming it toward my heart. The last heartache I should feel. I closed my eyes and aimed it, stabbing the knife into me, I felt a sharp pain that made me cry out in pain, my eyes filling with tears of pain, I fell to the ground, pulling out the knife, I smiled as the tears cascaded, I was dying. It was as pleasant as I thought. I felt light headed, relaxed, drifted. I felt my breathing get weaker and coughed as my heart slowly come to a stop.  
"See you soon, Andrew" I whispered with my last breath, smiling slightly, I looked toward the door and then I saw black, nothing. I was dead. Death was so peaceful.


End file.
